Stop Saying, “I Don’t Date Short Guys.” You Sound Awful.

“He’s super cute and nice but…I don’t date short guys”

I can’t express how hard I want to laugh when I hear a girl say this.

After ALL of the crap we give guys about appreciating us for the unique angels we think we are, we sit around saying this nonsense, with almost NO hesitation, to our friends, at dinner tables, and worse of all…to guys we know.

It’s awful.  Epically awful.

Now don’t get me wrong…we all have “a type.”  You are entitled to liking whatever it is that you want.

But ladies, we have been BATTLING to eradicate body shaming  for years and years now, and we are making some major progress, we really are. There’s a long list of things that men are just not allowed to say about us and our bodies in public domain.  So then why should it not go both ways?

Just because historically body shaming has been directed towards females by men AND women, doesn’t mean we get a break when we do it.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to feel this way about dating shorter men, I’m saying it’s horrible, awful, and hypocritical to be saying this stuff out loud.

The measurement of a man is not in how tall he is, it’s in how much he measures up in your life. He may not stand tall, but does he stand up for you and the people he loves?  Does he support you? Does he bring things to your metaphorical table? Those are the things that should matter.

Once again, I’m not saying you should want to date short guys… just stop saying it without realizing the double standard you are very openly playing into.  Stop saying it because you are basing someone’s value on something they have no control over.   Stop saying it because your words are hurting other human beings.

And come on…We know how it feels when people do this to us, when they make us feel like less of a woman because we have small breasts, non-existent hips, short legs etc.  So let’s stop trying to instill the cycle of insecurity that has held us back for centuries onto men. We all know where that leads.

For the first time in a long time, many guys are working on themselves and their friends…challenging each other to be better partners and allies to us.  Don’t you think we owe them the same respect?   

Gentlemen, if a girl says this to you or around you in any way shape or form…avoid her.  And if she SAYS she doesn’t want to date you because of your height, let me be the first to say: Congratulations.  You dodged a very basic bullet.

Oh, and ladies, if one of your friends is dating an amazingly great guy who is barely taller, just as tall as, or <heaven forbid> shorter than her, and you feel the need to bring that up publicly as a “con” when discussing their relationship…please hand in your “opinion card” because you’re no longer allowed to have one on this issue.

With men beginning to step up to the plate on issues like gender equality, it’s becoming harder and harder to excuse women who perpetuate these double standards. And remember…I’m a girl’s girl…I WANT to be on your side. But ladies, we are wrong on this one.  Very very wrong…so it’s about time we start treating the men in our lives with the very same BASIC decency we have been fighting for for the past few hundreds/thousands of years.

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Five Signs You Need a “You” Makeover

I was told recently that people love, love, love lists.

Now, since i’m here trying  to write about issues that will bring women together and since i’m trying to discuss topics that will hopefully allow all of us to have better relationships with one another I figure it’s a good time to personally address how to better the relationship we have with ourselves.  And I will do so…with a list of my very own.

As a result, I sat down and thought of five everyday things I had to call myself on to really get to the core of any discontent I had in my life.  And when I examined each of these things, I realized that I had a “me” problem…and those things needed to change.

Some of the phrasing in this list may sound harsh, and that’s okay…we have to be harsh in order to call ourselves out on our own bullshit.   And all of the stuff Im saying in this list, is stuff I have actually said to myself…while staring into a mirror…shaking my head in disappointment.  So…happy reading, ladies and gents.

FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED A “YOU” MAKEOVER:

 

1. You’ve un-subscribed or un-added someone on Facebook, yet still look up their profile about once a week to see what they’re doing.

Let me describe a situation for you: you’re on Facebook, or Instagram, sorting through cat memes, weekend photos, and your friends’ random musings about life.  You’re scrolling through your feed, and then you stumble on it.  “She” has posted something.  It doesn’t matter Who “she” is or what she did or did not do to you.  What matters is that whoever this person is…seeing her photos and posts, simply just irritates you. Or stirs up negative feelings deep in our lady brains.

Long story short, this person’s existence on your social media makes you feel badly about yourself (whether they deserve it or not).  So, you do what any rational person our age does: to remove the negativity they bring into your life from your life (whether its her fault or not), you “unsubscribe” from them OR un-add them if you’re ready to start some  real drama.  (I personally go for the un-add, much to the horror of my friends…bye felicia).

This feels great for a while.  For a few hours, days, or even weeks, we feel 20 pounds lighter.  The clouds have parted, birds are singing, this person is for all intents and purposes…dead to you. Go…you.

Then it happens…the itch.  You find yourself typing their name in your “search” bar, and looking at the preview of their profile that pops up below.  You do this a few times, maybe hold out for a day, and then BOOM, before you know it, you’re all over their page scouring it with so much intensity and diligence that it would make any crime scene investigator proud.

Now…I know what you’re hoping to see.  You’re hoping to type in their name and that you’re going to come upon something like this:

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This never happens

But what you really find is something along the lines of this:

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And you KNOW they’re going to get close to 350 “likes” on that picture of cheesecake

So, there you go…you wanted to see if she had fallen into a social black hole, and was left feeling miserable and destitute ever since you shunned her from your Facebook world…instead you see that nothing’s really changed: she still has friends who love her, she still eats desserts, and life seems to be pretty good.  But I get it, I get it…you wanted to see who she was with, how she was feeling, what she was eating.  You just wanted to see what she was doing. Sure, I get it..  But…here’s  a better question for you:

What are YOU doing.

I mean, really…You went to the trouble to cut this person out of your life because, for whatever reason, you’re not happy when you know what they’re up to.  And then…you go out of your way to see what they’re up to…  Why?  Why do this to yourself? Here’s why you need to STOP doing this…

It’s emotional cutting.  It’s going out of your way to find people who cause you to feel like shit.   Going out of your way to find someone else who makes you feel inadequate.  So why do we do this? Probably so that we don’t have to focus on what is actually making us feel inadequate…in most cases… it’s ourselves. We do this with ex-friends,  ex-boyfriends, our ex-boyfriends new girlfriends (because that’s healthy) and the result is the same. You look them up. They’re doing just fine.  You feel like shit.  Cycle repeats.

End…the…cycle.

 

2. You look around at all your friends and realize…you don’t even really like any of them anymore

People say you tend to “out grow” your friends. But that makes no sense…they’re not sweaters, they’re humans.  You don’t out grow people.  You “out grow” behaviors.  And our habits and behaviors are, for better or worse, directly tied to our morals and values as people.

So when your behaviors change…you yourself change.  You’re going to be making yourself either a better or worse version of yourself and if you concentrate on developing behaviors that allow you to develop deep meaningful relationships with others and with yourself…you’re most likely becoming a more awesome person. Yay.

Now here’s the thing, you are the average of the five people you hang out with the most.  If you and all your friends are doing the same things when you meet, you guys maintain each other’s average.  Now, let’s say you decide to quit boozing five days a week.  As a result, you are able to focus more on work, make a few less mistakes in the evenings, and spend more time reflecting on becoming a “better” version of yourself than you once were.

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People who live on Jupiter have no actual foundation, are constantly changing, yet ironically have the most amount of “moons” around them…Don’t be one of their moons

Whether you like it or not, you’re now bringing your friends’s average up, and they are bringing yours down.  They will either see this as a call to action, and start finding ways to step up to the challenge of bettering themselves, or they will more likely make a few comments along the lines of “you’ve changed” or the wonderfully passive aggressive “so you think you’re better than me?”

And no…you are not “better” than any of your friends, that’s a silly way to think.  You have however moved on to a different “emotional planet.”  Some planets are closer to the sun light, some are steeped in darkness.  Some are built around a solid foundation while others have seemingly no grounding force to be found.  We are all on planets that allow us to play out our behaviors. So the thing is…  once you find yourself on a different emotional planet than your friends, the air and environment surrounding them will be toxic for you…and you need to move on.  Some may follow you, most won’t…that’s not your issue.

Keep your average high.

 

3. When someone tells you about something great they did, you feel and stay jealous

It’s natural to feel jealous when someone you know does something that gets them a lot of attention.  I’d say most people’s reactions run along those lines.  It’s when you get stuck in that “jelly” that it then becomes a problem.

When you feel the initial rush of envy: Own it.  Recognize it… Question yourself.  Then better yourself.

And while you’re figuring out the “bettering yourself” part… post a congratulatory Facebook status and tag them in it.  And use the emoticon that looks like the clapping hands. That’s what it’s there for.

Also…don’t insert yourself into people’s achievements.  If someone is telling you about how they finally got a promotion at work, don’t bring up the time that you got a promotion.  Let them have their moment.

 

4. You expect others to be better people than you are

 Do you ever lie?  Ever cheat? Ever not tell people how you really feel?  Odds are you do.

Well…Do you get mad when people lie to you?  Feel indignant when someone you love starts finding love somewhere else?  Do you hate trying to decipher the morse code of other people’s emotions? Odds are, you do.

Well. That’s a big ol’ Southern helping of hipocrasy, and I’m pretty sure you know it.

Here’s the thing:

You DESERVE to be treated how you treat others, simple as that.  If you lie and cheat, you deserve to be lied to and cheated on.   Does that mean other people SHOULD hurt you, if you do “bad” things?  No.  But people will always hurt other people.  But  if you are the one hurting people, and someone else hurts or lies to you,  at the end of the day, you know you can’t  look yourself in the mirror and say: I really didn’t deserve that.  Because you did. You so did.

Does that mean other people will always treat you well if you’re a “good” person?  Fuck no.  But you’re the one who gets to sleep at night.

If you want the best out of others, you need to be the best version of yourself, simple as that.  If you lie and cheat and hurt people, no amount of enabling friends and coping mechanisms can really hide you from the fact that karma came around, and turns out she’s as big of a bitch as you were.

 

5. You’re holding onto an apology that someone out there in the world, really deserves

And I know why you’re doing it too.  If you apologize to someone, it forces you to own up to the fact that you messed up, that you hurt someone, that you did something wrong.  And if there’s one lie we like to tell ourselves, it’s this: other people do the hurting.

We tell ourselves that WE are the ones who get hurt.   We’re the good guys, the resilient ones who overcome hurt that other people do to us.  Not the other way around.  It’s a cute story to tell ourselves so we can sleep at night, but it’s not reality.

Has anyone ever apologized to you about the part they played in hurting you?  How’d it make you feel… Pretty damn good?  A little bit more human?  A little less likely to be crying yourself to sleep that night?   Yeah, I bet.  It’s nothing short of a miracle when someone swallows their pride and says  to you: hey…I fucked up…you didn’t deserve that.

Think too much time has gone by and they’ve probably moved on?  No.  No, no.  There’s not enough time in the world that can erase the bad things people do to one another, even if they have moved on…they deserve that little boost of humanity that every apology gives us.

So what’s stopping you?  Don’t know what to say to them? Cut, copy and paste what I just wrote two paragraphs ago into a text message and click “send.” Use that line as many times as you want…I know I sure have.

I mean, if Taylor Swift can write out “Back to December” for Tyler Lautner and perform it at the Grammy’s, you can write out that one sentence and send it to the one person who deserves to hear it.

And yes…I saved the Taylor Swift reference til the very end because I knew many of you would stop reading at that.  I’m smart like that.  And I love that girl.

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If Taylor did it, we can all do it

Why This “Girl’s Girl” Owes it All To A Nurse

I promised myself when I started this blog (a whole three weeks ago) that I would keep my posts universal, relevant and humorous (when needed).  I’m not sure this post will meet any of these criteria, but this needed to be written.

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Miss Colorado

I needed to write this because  I thought this morning that maybe, miraculously, the nurse/ medical assistant I’m writing about will recognize themselves in this story.  I wish more than anything I knew her name.

But this probably won’t reach her. So, hopefully and more realistically, this will at least be read by a few nurses or medical assistants, that often never get to hear what they so often deserve: thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

For those of you who don’t know, during the Miss America pageant last week,one of the contestants (a nurse)
performed a monologue that she wrote about her profession.  It later came under scrutiny by a talk show host, and has caused quite a few people to share their experiences with the awesomeness that is nursing.

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So here it is: 

To A Nurse,

I’m a doctor’s kid.  In fact, most people in my family are doctors, or surgeons.  I understand the fascination people have with them, the way we tend to glorify them… They are Gods amongst men, the healers of the sick, the fixers of broken bodies.  In TV shows and movies, the doctor is the one who takes the special interest in the patient and makes the breakthrough that changes the course of their patient’s lives.

So I get why people feel that way about doctors, I do.  And honestly, I think we all tend to think that because very few of us know what it’s like to be really really sick.

I know what it’s like.  When I was 18 (so twelve years ago) I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…a bad…but highly treatable form of cancer.  At 18, I was shuttled from doctor’s office to doctor’s office, out of one scan into another, injected with all sorts of dyes, liquids, chemicals, to see how “bad” my cancer really was.  I met a million doctors, was poked, prodded, asked a thousand questions, and was scheduled to start chemo all within in the span of a week.  My life, as I knew it, had ended.

And then I ended up in a room with you.  In what seemed like the basement of the hospital.  You were supposed to take one of my “baseline” tests (to like make sure my lungs didnt melt or something during treatments, I don’t know really).  You took my blood pressure, listened to my breathing patterns (with your stethoscope!) and gave me a tube I needed to blow into.

You handed it to me, and said, “ok, honey, take a deep breath and just blow sharply into this tube…let it all out.”  So I took a deep breath, held onto the tube, and did exactly what you said…I let it all out.  I cried.  Inconsolably.  It was just so quiet in there and you were just so nice, I needed to let it all go.

You didn’t look away like my friends would do.  You didn’t “give me a minute” and leave the room so I could get myself together.  You sat there, and you listened to me snuffle and sob, and you waited until the hysterical teenager in front of you finally quieted down.  And then you took the tube out of my hand, and put your hand on mine and said:

“Hey…look.  I see people come in here all the time.  I don’t know what your prognosis is, or how long you’re going to have to come to this hospital, or how things are going to go for you.  But I know one thing…

I know that one day, years from now, your doctor is going to say to you that you’re done.  That it’s time to start living your life.  And that’s what you need to do.  Take your time…be sad… but when the doctors tell you it’s time to move on, promise me that you will.  Don’t be one of those people who is constantly looking over your shoulder and thinking about this part of your life…forget about this place, and just promise me, you’ll move on.” 

I nodded my head, wiped my nose, and you handed the tube back to me and said, “Ok…let’s get this done now.”

And that was it.  I went on with the treatments, lost my hair, got my hair back, went to my follow up appointments, finished school, and then five years later, in March, I was done.  My doctor said I didn’t need to worry about coming in anymore, and that it was time to move on.

And that, dear Nurse, was when I remembered what you said…what you said about moving on and not looking back.  And I listened.  I really think you would be proud.

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Life’s been good

People who know me know what I’ve been up to, but I’ll give you the Spark’s Notes version: I live overseas, I work a job I love, I travel and meet more people than I ever imagined, I’ve learned empathy and compassion from the empathy and compassion you and others have shown me, and I almost never think about those days when I was really sick.  I do, however, think a lot about you.

Anyone who ever asks me how I ended up overseas, has heard about you.  You’re nameless in the stories, and I hate it.  I’ve rarely cried about cancer since then, but I’ve often teared up thinking about what you said, and how I would never get to tell you to your face, because what does an 18 year old really understand about the impact our word’s have on others?  So I’m sorry.  I wish more than anything you knew in that 30 minutes you spent with me, you changed the course of my life.

With eternal gratitude,
Sonia

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So, if anyone who worked at, or is still working at Medical City Dallas, remembers an 18 year old girl in 2003 wearing a shirt that was entirely too low cut, and crying all over your equipment…please know that I owe much of who I am today, to what you said to me.

And to the chemo nurses, the medical assistants, the people drawing blood and the guy who operated the PET-CT scans (yes I remember you)..all of you were my angels at Medical City Dallas.  I have innumerable stories from that time I spent in your good graces, and without you all, your jokes, your sincerity, your all around bad-ass-ness, I don’t think I would’ve been able to move on from it like I did.  I mean…one guy saw me run into a bathroom crying, and waited outside just to make sure I was okay…really…he had a job to do, and he did that instead.

And to ALL nurses…if you think you remember the one or two patients who stood out to you, please know that numerous people hold your faces and your words in their hearts, even though they may never know your name.  Keep up the good work, I just wanted to drop you all a line.

And to anyone still reading this, nurse or not…your kind words matter.  Say them.

So, Are You in a Relationship With Anyone?

We all know what it means. If we think of all the times we have asked it and all the times we have been asked it, the answer is one of two things:

“Yes!” followed by  a meet-cute story of how we met our boyfriend or husband
OR
An awkward pause as the room dims. We shake our head, “No,” while someone randomly begins to play an organ in the background 

In summary: if we have a boyfriend, we ARE in  a relationship with someone.  And if we don’t have a boyfriend, we are NOT in a relationship with anyone.  It is so simple to think this way. It is also, utter and complete bullshit.

But first, let me answer the question myself before I explain why.

Now, there’s no meet-cute in these stories…These relationships have been challenging and difficult.  These relationships are the very definition of “til death do us part,” they’ve made me cry, made me  laugh, and made me change.  That’s probably why these relationships matter.  So, after 30 years of living and loving, here’s my answer to:

So…Sonia, are you in a relationship with anyone?

Yes.  Yes I am.

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I’m in a relationship with my mother:

Everyone says me and my mom have a great relationship.  And, it’s true… we finally have a GREAT relationship, but, I’m not gonna lie, It wasn’t easy.  I don’t’ know if you know this, but I’m no bed of roses. Me and my mom would throw down, gloves off.  We’ve fought til we were both red in the face, slammed doors, stared each other down, and then I realized… I was the one with the problem and I needed to change.

Each door I had slammed over the course of my life had to be pried open, and I had to face the reality of the damage I had done.   I had to change.  We both did.  And now I’m best friends with one of the bravest women I’ve ever known.


With my father:  

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Dad and I

My dad.  The surgeon.  The man who taught me how to ride a bike, was with me every moment of the way during cancer treatments, the man who worked to pay for new clothes, cars, college, medical school, Master’s programs.  The man who I never knew quite how to talk to about things other than money and his practice.

The man who did everything for his family with stoic diligence, and never asked for, or got, any thanks.  None.  He went to work, the bills were paid, he showed up to to teacher nights, helped us with our math homework, and went to bed for over 25 years, until I finally realized that in any other context… this wouldn’t fly.  I was taking advantage of one of the best relationships that had literally been handed to me since birth.

Well… a few years ago (27 years too late), even though it felt weird and strange, I sat down at the breakfast table and I thanked him.  And I told him that I loved him.  And then I waited.

He put down his Wall Street Journal for a second, looked at me, cleared his throat, and said:  Would you like the other half of my English Muffin?  (Baby steps.  He’s never shared his English Muffins with anyone.)

 With my brother:  

We’ve overcome a lot, and he’s seen me put myself through a lot.  Yes he’s married and has a kid, and yes people told me that things would change and he would be less able to “be there” for me.  So I decided to try to be there for him whenever or wherever I could.   I know, we are SO different, but it’s weird how as time goes on, I find myself really enjoying the time we get to spend together.  I wish we did this earlier.

And yes, he’s a surgeon. Yeah, yeah.  But, surgeon or not, he still signs all his emails to me with a, “meow,” so don’t look too impressed.

My brother's last email

My brother’s most recent email

 With my  family:

My cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents…the army behind my back at every step I take.

It’s like whack-a-mole, really.  I focus on one of them, and a million things pop up with the others.  I’m not very good at it yet, but I think they know I’m trying. Trying.

I’m in a relationship with my friends:  

My friends, my champions, the family we choose.

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Nothing better than being a friend to friends worth having

 I worked hard for these friends. We fought with and fought for each other.  From  missed dinner dates, missed weddings and misunderstandings, we’ve survived it all.

In life when I’ve been  a bit broken down, these people have stepped up and had my f*cking back. My friends are my magic mirror, they speak the truth and only the truth.  They tell me they love me, they tell me they’re proud of me, and they tell me when to shut the hell up.

 Im in a good relationship with my career:  

They say you shouldn’t be married to your work.  But I’m not sure I agree with that.  If a marriage is supposed to be a commitment that both challenges and fulfills you, requires that you grow and evolve, develop compassion and patience, well then, consider me hitched.

Most importantly, I’m in a good relationship with myself:

And it was the hardest and most difficult relationship to build…ever.

I am not in a romantic relationship:

I’m not.

I don’t have a “love life” at the moment, but I have no shortage of love in my life.  And if you think this is the “make or break” relationship…the ultimate void to fill, you have a little bit of growing up to do and some perspective to be gained.

This type of relationship is a piece of some people’s puzzle.  They will find it when they find it, so leave them to their journey.

For some, it’s the whole picture entirely.  Let them paint it with whoever they want… Even if its not the vision you have for their life.

And for other’s it is the icing on what is otherwise, a very very delicious cake.   They could take it or leave it.  We all need to accept that about one another.

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Real talk:

Think about your definition of being in a relationship with someone:

If you have a relationship with a boyfriend/husband, fantastic!
Now start building those relationships with other people in your life.  If you think about how rewarding it is to have a partner you can rely and depend on, think about if all of your relationships were like that? Why be defined by the one relationship you DO have in your life.

(If you’re one of those “my husband is my everything” people, that is amazing, and you are lucky to have one another…but you’re building a very pretty glass house on a quick sand pit…in a rock slide area…set on a fault line)

If you don’t have a relationship with a boyfriend/husband, fantastic!
Start building those relationships with other people you DO have in your life.  Call your parents more, start “liking” your cousin’s or sibling’s facebook pages more…talk to that one person at the gym who always seemed nice…just do it, already!  Why be defined by the one relationship you DONT have in your life?

(Truth bomb: Whether you have a boyfriend or not,  if you have absolutely no acquaintances, friends, or family that you can reach out to…you’ve got a “you” problem…so start on the inside, girl)

And to everyone who is reading this and thinking, “I haven’t called my mom in months…it would be weird.”  I have to say this: What the mother-loving-earth are you talking about!

It’s going to be weird? To call your mom?  The woman who wiped your ass, showered you, and KEPT YOU ALIVE through infancy…it’s going to be weird to give her a phone call? What exactly do you think your mom is going to do if you call her for the first time in a long time?  I’m going to take a wild guess…she’ll probably f*cking pick up the phone and want to talk to you. That’s what.  If not…try your brother.  And keep going down the list until you make contact with another human.

Think it’s weird to drop your dad a text message that says, “I love you?”  Chug a few beers, send the text message, turn off your phone, put it under a couch cushion,  and go to sleep.  Just get it done!

Call to action:

Whether you have a boyfriend/husband or not, there are probably several people in your life that you don’t reach out to because you guys ‘just don’t have that type of relationship.’  Well…BUILD IT.  You’re an adult now.  Pick up the Lego Blocks of missed opportunities and build that bridge to someone, anyone,  you want to care about.

That way, the next time someone asks you whether you’re in a relationship with someone or not, you may have more than one answer to give.

Oh and update: I sent this article to my family ahead of time, to make sure they were fine with me writing about them, and look what I got in my inbox…three years later.  Baby steps.  

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Dad responds

Disclaimer:  Do NOT call or get in touch with people who have severely hurt you, neglected, or abused you in the past: parents, siblings, boyfriend, friends etc.  Some people don’t deserve to be in your life and this article is not a “sign” to call up someone who treated you like a door mat…In fact, if you still have their numbers, delete them right now

The One Question You Need to Stop Asking Single Women


“Seriously…Where do you find these guys?”

Ok, ladies…now I’m sure some of us have heard this question.  Usually it’s after we’ve shared a  Wes-Craven-like dating horror story with a group of friends (usually not single friends).  I’m 30 years old, and this question never really seems to go away, and I’m sick of it. I mean…does  a more frustrating/pointless question even exist? 

Let’s do like Uncle Joey, and “Cut… It… Out” (Sorry…I may be a more than a little excited for the Full House reunion)

Now, I KNOW it’s well intentioned, and usually just said as a passing comment to seemingly validate a person who is hurting, but before I get to why the question actually makes people feel like crap,  I’m going to go ahead, and very briefly answer it.  

So…in case anyone’s wondering where their single friends go out and meet ALL “those guys”…those emotionally inept, socially awkward, chronically dishonest, relationship atheists, I’m gonna answer your question so that you NEVER EVER have to ask it again.  Are you ready? Want to know where  we meet them?

Earth.  

Screen Shot 2015-09-07 at 10.26.40 PM

Earth: Where 100% of all creepy guys are met

We met them on Earth.  On the street, in the grocery store, at the gym, at work, in a bar, in class, at a coffee shop, at a friend’s party, online, in an airport. At Pottery Barn, in a book store, at a conference, in a movie theater.  On a plane, on a train, in a bus, at the car wash, at a concert, in line at a festival, at a gun range, at a casino, on a beach…Trust me…they’re just…out there, and it’s not our fault that we happened to meet them. 

They walk amongst us freely, and they don’t wear signs. Not a single one of them.  Their IDs and passports look just like ours, they wear the same clothes we do, they smell the same, look the same, walk upright, just the same as us.

When you prick them, they bleed. They have jobs, have friends, have families (sometimes of their own)… trust me…they’re out there.    

So, let me ask YOU a question…Where do YOU think we meet them?

Like…do you think we see a guy in Aisle 7 of the grocery store sobbing over a box of his ex girlfriend’s favorite flavor of Pop Tarts and think to ourselves… “hey, he looks like a keeper? He looks like he has it together.  Let me emotionally invest in him, cause he seems swell.” 

Ok. Rant over.  I think you get the point.  Now, let me explain why I hate this question other than the fact that I only hear it when I’m usually in an emotionally raw state:

Regardless of your own relationship status, whether you’re single or married or a sponge,  by asking your friends “where they met the guy,” you make them partially to blame for someone ELSE’S bad behavior.  It’s not fair.  I mean, you’ve just listened to a whole story your friend has told you. A story about something that someone else did to them.  By asking the question, you’re switching the focus from another person’s actions to your friend’s actions.  

Instead of saying, “I can’t believe HE did that,” you switch the narrative (and pronouns) and make your friend the antagonist in her own story.  It’s all about where SHE met the guy. She becomes the final subject in the story.  So… Stop it!

Additionally, if you’re in a relationship or married and you ask that question, you sound like a smarmy know-it-all and that’s never good.  You also have an icky yucky dirty dating past.  You too were once one of us.  Show some solidarity.

Let’s look at dudes… When a guy tells one of his dating stories (because yes ladies, we too can be the stuff of waking nightmares) more often than not, the only comment they have to deal with is, “Man, she’s crazyyyy,” then everyone drinks their beer, nods along in agreement, and moves on.  Case closed.  SHE’S crazy.  YOU’RE fine, man. ( Not that I agree at all with girl’s being called crazy…in fact this article should be gospel, but I’m just trying to make a point.)

So now…I know, I know that this seems like making a mountain out of a mole hill to some, and that’s fine.  I’m just asking everyone, guys and girls, to be better advocates for their single friends, because remember…where you met your guy is where all of us have met “these guys:”

  1. The guy who drove me to the treehouse he lived in (no I didn’t know he lived in a tree house) and showed me the Crayon drawings the ocean inspired him to make and then violently lost his shit when I asked him to take me home
  2. The  guy who took me out to eat, and as soon as I sat down,  smiled and said: I really like big
    An impulse buy inspired by all the

    An impulse buy inspired by all the “lone wolves” I’ve met. Howl on, brothers

    breasted women

  3. The guy(s)  who refer to themselves as lone wolves…that’s right…love them only if you dare
  4. The guy who said “that’s not me” when pictures of him and another girl popped up on facebook.  Yes, he was tagged in them and yes he was wearing clothes I had bought him (Hindsight: I may have deserved that one)
  5. The guy who had a nosebleed all over my cushions and just flipped them around when I wasnt looking

So the next time you find yourself about to ask “the question,” take a moment and remember…They walk amongst us.