“Seriously…Where do you find these guys?”
Ok, ladies…now I’m sure some of us have heard this question. Usually it’s after we’ve shared a Wes-Craven-like dating horror story with a group of friends (usually not single friends). I’m 30 years old, and this question never really seems to go away, and I’m sick of it. I mean…does a more frustrating/pointless question even exist?
Let’s do like Uncle Joey, and “Cut… It… Out” (Sorry…I may be a more than a little excited for the Full House reunion)
Now, I KNOW it’s well intentioned, and usually just said as a passing comment to seemingly validate a person who is hurting, but before I get to why the question actually makes people feel like crap, I’m going to go ahead, and very briefly answer it.
So…in case anyone’s wondering where their single friends go out and meet ALL “those guys”…those emotionally inept, socially awkward, chronically dishonest, relationship atheists, I’m gonna answer your question so that you NEVER EVER have to ask it again. Are you ready? Want to know where we meet them?
We met them on Earth. On the street, in the grocery store, at the gym, at work, in a bar, in class, at a coffee shop, at a friend’s party, online, in an airport. At Pottery Barn, in a book store, at a conference, in a movie theater. On a plane, on a train, in a bus, at the car wash, at a concert, in line at a festival, at a gun range, at a casino, on a beach…Trust me…they’re just…out there, and it’s not our fault that we happened to meet them.
They walk amongst us freely, and they don’t wear signs. Not a single one of them. Their IDs and passports look just like ours, they wear the same clothes we do, they smell the same, look the same, walk upright, just the same as us.
When you prick them, they bleed. They have jobs, have friends, have families (sometimes of their own)… trust me…they’re out there.
So, let me ask YOU a question…Where do YOU think we meet them?
Like…do you think we see a guy in Aisle 7 of the grocery store sobbing over a box of his ex girlfriend’s favorite flavor of Pop Tarts and think to ourselves… “hey, he looks like a keeper? He looks like he has it together. Let me emotionally invest in him, cause he seems swell.”
Ok. Rant over. I think you get the point. Now, let me explain why I hate this question other than the fact that I only hear it when I’m usually in an emotionally raw state:
Regardless of your own relationship status, whether you’re single or married or a sponge, by asking your friends “where they met the guy,” you make them partially to blame for someone ELSE’S bad behavior. It’s not fair. I mean, you’ve just listened to a whole story your friend has told you. A story about something that someone else did to them. By asking the question, you’re switching the focus from another person’s actions to your friend’s actions.
Instead of saying, “I can’t believe HE did that,” you switch the narrative (and pronouns) and make your friend the antagonist in her own story. It’s all about where SHE met the guy. She becomes the final subject in the story. So… Stop it!
Additionally, if you’re in a relationship or married and you ask that question, you sound like a smarmy know-it-all and that’s never good. You also have an icky yucky dirty dating past. You too were once one of us. Show some solidarity.
Let’s look at dudes… When a guy tells one of his dating stories (because yes ladies, we too can be the stuff of waking nightmares) more often than not, the only comment they have to deal with is, “Man, she’s crazyyyy,” then everyone drinks their beer, nods along in agreement, and moves on. Case closed. SHE’S crazy. YOU’RE fine, man. ( Not that I agree at all with girl’s being called crazy…in fact this article should be gospel, but I’m just trying to make a point.)
So now…I know, I know that this seems like making a mountain out of a mole hill to some, and that’s fine. I’m just asking everyone, guys and girls, to be better advocates for their single friends, because remember…where you met your guy is where all of us have met “these guys:”
- The guy who drove me to the treehouse he lived in (no I didn’t know he lived in a tree house) and showed me the Crayon drawings the ocean inspired him to make and then violently lost his shit when I asked him to take me home
- The guy who took me out to eat, and as soon as I sat down, smiled and said: I really like big
- The guy(s) who refer to themselves as lone wolves…that’s right…love them only if you dare
- The guy who said “that’s not me” when pictures of him and another girl popped up on facebook. Yes, he was tagged in them and yes he was wearing clothes I had bought him (Hindsight: I may have deserved that one)
- The guy who had a nosebleed all over my cushions and just flipped them around when I wasnt looking
So the next time you find yourself about to ask “the question,” take a moment and remember…They walk amongst us.