How to Fix Your “Jealous” Girlfriend

I’m not the jealous type.

Needless to say, I have experienced jealousy from time to time.

For example, the time my brother got a birthday party at Soccer Zone and I didn’t…I felt kind of jealous.  Or in sixth grade, when the guy I liked asked my friend to the social…sure…I felt super jealous.

But then life taught me I have plenty to be grateful for, and not much to be jealous of, and I chilled out.  I mellowed out.

And then…I started dating.

And I started noticing that I was being called jealous…like all the time.  In fact, in two of the major relationships I’ve had, pretty much every question I asked was answered with: Hey…Why are you SO jealous?

Now as someone who loves to learn from past mistakes (as to not repeat them) I really wanted to evaluate and consider whether or not I actually had a jealousy issue.  And it occured to me that lots of people out there probably are also dealing with partners who suffer from bouts of jealousy.

So I figured, while I work on myself, it makes sense to give guidance to people who are currently suffering in a relationship with a “jealous” person.

So if you’re currently with someone who just seems to be way too jealous all the time…look into these quick fixes and see if it helps. <end sarcasm font>

How to Fix Your “Jealous” Girlfriend:

1. Cut the “basic bitches” out of your life.  You know the ones: 

Girls that fall under this category are  ex-hookups and ex-girlfriends.  And stop calling them “friends.”  They’re not your friends.

Also in this list are certain female friends that just seem to be a little too close for comfort.  If you don’t know which ones, just ask your girl…she will tell you.

Now I get it…sometimes your girlfriend may go over board and demand that you stop talking to any females other than her.  Thats not what I’m talking about here.  We all need to be reasonable.  We, as girls, need to understand that you will have contact and friendships with other females in your life.  We need to understand that.

But you…what you need to understand is that we, as girls, understand other girls.

When we meet them, we have to make an assessment: is this girl  a “friendly,” or  is she a “foe.”  And we often err on the side of caution.

So when the same “friend’s” name keeps coming up in your fights over and over,  it’s time to stop treating the symptom, by calling your girl “jealous,” and cut off the cause of the issue…the other girl.

As for your “female friends” you have.  This always cracks me up…when a boyfriend talks about being ‘just friends’ with a girl.

Here’s why: For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told that “guys and girls can NEVER be friends.”

In fact, any time I tell a boyfriend I’m “just friends” with a guy…he laughs…stares at me like I’m a child and says, “He’s just waiting for a chance to get with you.” So apparently, I actually don’t have any male friends. None.   Because boys don’t want to be friends with girls. Le sigh.

Except you… You apparently, are totally capable of being friends with a girl.  Because you’re not like “most guys?”  Doubtful.

It’s really hard to all of a sudden be asked to accept that we have met the one guy who can actually be friends with girls.  And that we’re dating him. Yet all of our guy friends are just waiting for their chance to move in.

So… sort out your hypocritical bullshit, and maybe you’ll help sort out your girlfriend’s jealousy issues.  Maybe.

And if you really think you need to have all these extra females in your life…maybe you should work on sorting out your ego issues.

2. Unless you’re Simba from The Lion King…stop saying “the past is the past:”

We keep getting told not to live in the past.  And then we get told to not worry about things that MAY happen in the future.  So that means we have about 5-8 seconds of the “present” relationship that we are allowed to think about.  That’s ridiculous.

A relationship is based on the foundation laid in the past, the present feelings, and hopes for the future.  Pretty much all of those things matter.

The past is not the past.

And the best prediction for future behavior, is past behavior.  So if you acted like a deceitful twat in the past, that’s going to carry over into your future.  So…looks like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Just accept that things that you did that keep coming up, will continue to come up, and  deal with it, or leave that jealous girlfriend who just “can’t let things go.”  And find a girl who wants to put up with you.

3.  Don’t ever end stories with the phrase “Don’t worry.  Nothing happened.” It will not go well: 

The very phrase itself makes no sense.  Of course SOMETHING happened. The only time you can say this is if you woke up… and remained in bed…all day.  Until your girlfriend came over.

And why are you being so defensive?   Had lunch with a co-worker that turned into a happy hour?  Yet nothing happened?  What does “nothing” even mean??

You could, of course, define it for us.  But, much easier to just call your girl jealous, and be done with it.

4.  Figure out how social media works, or get better at lying:

Seriously…it’s not even hard.

We can see pretty much everything you do on Instagram or Facebook, unless you specifically change your privacy settings. So if you haven’t changed anything since you created your account…your girl will be able to check up on anything her “crazy jealous” lady-brain may make her check on.

For example: let’s say you go on a bachelor’s weekend in Cancun.  And you tell her, “don’t worry…nothing happened.”

Here’s what she might do:

Step One: Check your “recently added” friends on Facebook and see if any recently added girls have profile picture that were recently taken on a tropical beach resort…similar to those found in Cancun
Step Two: Check out those girls and any female friends they may have “tagged” in recent photos
Step Three: Cross-check those girls on the “recently added” with your “followers” on Instagram
Step Four: Check if you’re “following” any of those girls 
Step Five: Check your “liked” photos on Insta (yes we can do that) 
Step Six: Ask you questions about any girls that fall into any or all of those steps

Sound intense to you?  No way.

All of those steps would take us, maybe a total of 47 seconds.  Maybe.  Depends on internet speed.

Now some people may be saying…hey…checking into your boyfriend that much shows you don’t trust him.  And to those people I say: you’re absolutely right.  And I don’t care. Trust is built.  And in 2016…this is how we build it.

5.  Admit that your friends might actually be the ones that suck: 

Because let’s face it…your 30 year old single guy friends who troll on Tinder and take geography quizzes online for fun, may not be the best “go-to” people for relationship advice.  And often times, they will only hear about your girlfriend when you’re complaining about her.  So why would they ever tell you that you’re in the wrong?

The only time you should ever consider taking relationship advice from a friend is if they are currently in a relationship that you would WANT to be in, or have had a healthy relationship in the past.

Otherwise…misery loves company.  And they sure liked it when you were single.

6. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  It’s in the Bible:

Self explanatory.  It would solve a lot of jealousy issues right off the bat.

7.  Watch the “If I Were a Boy” video and learn.  Learn from Beyonce.   

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Disclaimer:  I’m a girl…this is written from a girl’s perspective.  All of this completely applies to girlfriends calling their boyfriend’s “jealous” as well.  So relax, gentlemen, we do it too