I’m Not a Cool Girlfriend

No one I have ever dated will ever call me cool.

The words, “loyal,” “honest,” and “intense,” may come up, but “cool,” despite my very best efforts, has never been a descriptor that fit me very well.

And believe me, I have tried so hard to be cool.

I have shrugged off missed dates, gotten over lies, moved past drunk indiscretions that “meant nothing.”  I’ve laughed off inappropriate requests,  given guys second chances without second guessing them, after seconds turned into hours, and then days without hearing from them.

I have dealt with cell phones smashed in fits of anger, holes punched into walls, and a million, “I’ll do better next times.”

I tried really hard to be cool.

You can ask my therapist how hard I have tried:

During one of our sessions, it was with desperate sincerity that I asked her if it was possible to take medication that could “dumb me down” just a little bit.   Make me feel like less of me.  Make me let things go.  Expect less of people.  Because I was sick of feeling like too much for  the people around me.

I’ve tried really really hard to be cool.

I’ve had people that insist on treating relationships like a game of “would you rather.”  I’d hear things like:

Well, would you rather he tell you about something he did that would upset you or have him lie to you?

Would you rather he get moody and disappear from time to time or have him be super clingy?

I’d play along and choose the lesser of two evils and pretend that it was enough.

I’d let lies slide by, I’d let communication lapse, I’d pretend I didn’t see things that I saw.  I’d let myself feel miserable. I’d bite my tongue when people told me to never settle.  Because all I ever heard about was how I needed to settle, because…well…guys just don’t ever really “get it.”

I really really wanted to be a cool girl.

But I couldn’t.

I have tried to be a cool girlfriend.  I have faked being cool.  I have literally paid in blood, sweat, and tears to be cool.  I’m not.

I cannot be a cool girlfriend for this one reason: I could never find that boundary between making a compromise and being a door mat.

And I finally got sick of being walked all over.  I couldn’t deal with having my faith in men and relationships destroyed all in the name of “keeping my cool.”

I’m not a cool girlfriend.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I refuse to believe that all men are as basic, and needy, and insensitive as the world at large portrays them to be.    I refuse to believe that in order to be in a partnership with a man, I have to accept a certain amount of “boys will be boys” behavior.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because at the end of the day, I believe that a boyfriend can treat me with the same respect, honesty, and integrity that I treat him with.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I expect my partner to treat every woman like he treats me.  I expect him to sit out strip clubs, I expect him to stand up for drunk women being creeped on in bars. I expect his adoration for me to reflect in his treatment and respect for every single woman he meets.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I believe that men can learn to honor, cherish, and fiercely protect the commitments  they make to the people they love.  They can realize that every decision they make either takes them towards their commitments, or away from them.  Without compromise.  Without question. Without ridicule.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I know I don’t want a boyfriend who is “cool.”  I want a boyfriend who is brutally honest.  Who shows me his edges in moments of panic and says: how do I fix myself without hurting you?

I want a boyfriend who realizes that both of us, in the face of something real, like a relationship that matters, are so drastically uncool, and uncollected, that it’s beautiful.

I want a boyfriend who treats me like my friends do: who returns calls, checks in, invites me out, laughs at my incredibly not funny jokes, and recognizes how horribly overwhelmingly unfair it is for women to always have to be the cool one.  The one who understands. And forgives.  And pretends to forget.

So yeah, I know.  A lot of you out there are thinking: girl, you’re living in a dream world.  That there’s certain realities I have to face.  That “guys will always be guys.”

And all I have to say to you is…yes…most guys will always choose to be guys.

But some will choose to become men for the people they love.

And if you doubt that, if you really think some men’s cluelessness in relationships, and the endless one night stands is what all guys want because it is in their nature…show me your role models.  Show me your men who live their lives lying and deceiving and failing at relationships, who, on their death bed say…man…that was one heck of a life.

Show me those men.

And I’ll show you the slew of men who are happy to step up their game.  Who are relieved to not be reduced to a #notallmen stereotype.  Who want to talk about what they’re feeling.  And how broken they felt when they were crying as kids, and told to hide their emotions and “act cool.”

Cool gets you no where. There are better things to be than a cool girlfriend.

Cool gets you settling for a cool love, a cool relationship, and cool communication that inevitably turns cold, brittle, and breaks. And I’ve had enough of things breaking on me.

I can’t shake off the pain anymore.  Pretend giving more than I got didn’t matter.  I’m just not that cool of a girlfriend.

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People Need to Change How They Talk About Adoption

Ok, so…we all know I don’t have children.

I enjoy the freedom my child-free existence gives me.  I enjoy it tremendously. I love having no schedule, sleeping in, and booking plane tickets on a whim.  My life, right now, without kids,  is quite frankly… delicious.

Seriously.

That being said, I’m in my 30’s, so at this point, as a child-free woman, I’ve gotten really good at dodging the never ending questions about my age and fertility, to the point that they generally don’t bother me much anymore.

I do however, LOVE other people’s children.

I’m convinced my niece is the coolest kid ever.  All of my friends have kids, and all of those kids are freaking amazing, just like their parents are.  I genuinely get excited when someone posts a video of their kid walking, or sleeping, or babbling.  I love it all.

And though I relish my child-free existence, I’m beginning to slowly warm towards the idea of starting and having a family (mainly because I’ve finally met someone I would want to raise a family with…not that you can’t do it alone). And when I say “slowly warming,” I mean like  “melting a glacier with a lighter” type slow.  I’m not quite there yet.

I’m still a while away from wanting to add “Mom” to the long list of words people hurl at me in irritation.  But I’m getting there.

And while I’m getting “there” I’ve turned to asking people who have families for their insight.  I talk to my male and female  friends about their experiences and regrets.  Is parenthood really so great? Would they do it all again? I want it all…the nitty gritty.  So I can prepare myself for the inevitable emotional slaughter that is parenthood, as best I can.

But many of these conversations inevitably come back to my age.  I get subtle warnings about the biological clock tick-tocking away. Reminders about how, after 35, my ovaries might literally dissolve into dust in my body.

And that’s when I say, “Actually,  if I can’t have my own, I don’t think there’s a strict age limit on adoptions, so I’ll be okay.”

And that’s when people get stupid. Just…so…stupid.

There’s usually a pause, a polite smile, followed by some sort of mind numbing comment about how it takes a “special” type of person to raise someone else’s kid. This comment is usually followed by reminders and questions similar to these ones:

  1.  How are you going to know about their mental health?  Lots of adopted kids have issues, you know.
  2. Can you not have your own children? You’ll never really love a kid like you’ll love your own.
  3. Aren’t you going to feel rejected when the kid starts looking for his or her birth parents?
  4. What if your kid turns out to be some sort of serial killer? Have you thought about that?
  5. <Insert anecdote about a family they know who is struggling with their adopted child>

And the list goes on and on…

So now, here’s the thing.

The questions, while they bother me, don’t hurt me… because I’m not an adoptive parent.  But many of my friends are.  And several other incredibly well adjusted friends of mine, were adopted children themselves.

And as I’m being inundated with insufferable questions that unintentionally diminish both the lovability and value of children up for adoption, all I can think about is…why is this line of questioning even okay?

Seriously…why do people think it’s okay?  Because…it’s not.

If you think these types of questions and comments are appropriate, I want you to imagine what it felt like or what it will feel like when you or your partner gets pregnant. I want you to now imagine telling one of your friends your great news.  That you’re pregnant. And about to have a baby.

And I want you to imagine them giving you a polite smile, and then saying, “That’s so brave of you, your life is going to get so hard.” I want you to imagine that they ask you questions like:

  1. Oh, man…aren’t you worried about what this kid is going to do to your body or relationship?
  2. What if the kid has learning disabilities or mental disorders?
  3. Aren’t you concerned he or she is going to grow up and resent you like you resent your parents?
  4. What if you don’t bond with the baby?  Aren’t you worried about post-partum depression?
  5. Have you read any of those articles about parents who wish they had never had children?

In fact, most people with biological children HAVE to imagine the above situation playing out, because it just honestly never happens.  Whereas parents with adopted children deal with questions and judgments like these all the freaking time. For like…ever.

It’s not okay.  So stop.

Is it okay for these questions to come up in your head? Sure. I certainly wonder about all of these things in regards to adopted and biological children. Starting a family is a crazy leap of faith no matter how you do it. But it’s the same leap.

And if you struggle with things to say to someone who is considering adoption, here’s a life hack: just think about what you’d say to anyone who was going to have a child. And proceed from there.  Offer to throw them a baby shower…share experiences you’ve had with parenthood…smoke a cigar with them…it’s not difficult.

So my point:  no one gets off easy when it comes to kids and family.  That’s why compassion and mindfulness is needed no matter how someone decides to “do” the whole family thing.

So people without kids:  if you really think you need to expel a human out of your vagina in order to fully love it, you should really think about your intentions behind your family:  do you want to be a parent?  Or do you want to have your own children?  Because there is a very distinct difference.

And people with kids: if you think there is a difference between the love you feel for your child, and the love an adopted parent feels, that’s fine.  Just stop talking about it.   And if you feel the need to bring it up around adopted parents…there is something very broken in your definition of parenthood and love.

Now… if you’ll excuse me… I’ve got five hours of Youtube to catch up on before I sleep-in until noon.

I’m really gonna be a great mom one day.

 

Why You Would Go Back to Your Abusive Ex

I’m not writing this to hurt anyone.

Even though I’ve wanted to write this for a while,  I held off on it for several reasons: the post always came across as incredibly bitter…and quite frankly, I wasn’t strong enough to deal with any criticism or blow black from people who knew me when I was with him.

Trust me, I know there’s two sides to every story.  But this is mine.

I’m not writing this to hurt anyone, but I know it will.

I also know if it will piss a lot of people off…particularly those in my ex-boyfriend’s camp or the people who just wanted me to shut up about everything all those years ago.

I know this is going to hurt people.  So  I’ll go ahead and tell anyone who’s upset about this post exactly what my ex boyfriend said to me the day after he grabbed me by the neck and shoved my head into a car window over and over again.  I’ll go ahead and say:  I’m sorry…but I never meant to hurt you.

Hope that makes you feel better?  I dunno…It never really worked for me.

I’m not writing this to hurt anyone. I’m writing this because the only reason I stopped talking about abuse, is because other people told me to.

I was sick of being called dramatic, of getting belligerent emails from him, or getting called a liar in bars by people who knew him.  I was sick of  having to explain to people why I broke up with him…after all…we looked so happy together in photos.

I’m writing this because I told myself that I would never go back to someone who abused me.  That if a guy so much as laid a finger on me, I would be gone. I’m writing this because we all have stories like this, but we never talk about them.  And we need to start to.

I judged people like Rihanna, questioned their sense of self respect, and held on to the belief that I, some how, was better and stronger than a girl who would go running back.

But I wasn’t.

And for a long time, that made me question myself.  And doubt myself.  And ultimately hate myself.  But luckily, as time went on, I got some clarity…and with that clarity…the questions turned to answers.

Answers that I wish I had two years ago.  And answers that I think may help people.  Who knows…maybe this post is just for me.  For me to help myself. To finally put one of my relationship Bogeymen to rest.  He always did say I was selfish.

Why did I go back?

1. Because people convinced me the abuse wasn’t bad enough

As my ex so poignantly put in an email, “it’s not like  I Ray Rice-ed you.”

If you dont get the reference, please stop right now and view the footage of what NFL player Ray Rice did to his fiance in an elevator.  (She later married him that month)

So I’ll go ahead and confess that this is true: my ex did NOT knock me unconscious in an elevator, and drag me by the leg into a hotel hallway and let the doors almost close on me.  He sure didn’t.

He also didn’t leave me bruised up, or in need of a hospital.  He never punched me.  He never slapped me.

He did, however, go from being a guy who “would never touch a girl,” to someone who “would never touch me again.”  You see…it was a one time thing. He believed it.   Other people believed it.  And after a few months of being broken up, I believed it too. So I went back. And when it happened again…it still wasn’t bad enough for people.

But it was finally bad enough for me.

People asked questions.  How hard he pushed me…had I said something to antagonize him…was I sure I wasn’t exaggerating?

And I spent way too much of my time and sanity trying to answer these questions.  And I’m done now.  But I do have a question of my own for anyone who still thinks things weren’t bad enough:  how bad did I need to let it get?  Seriously, how badly did he need to hurt me? 

2.  Because I saw it coming

I saw the violence build up the first months we were together: he’d punch walls, throw phones, push taxi drivers…all the while swearing he would NEVER touch me.  Ever.

Then he did.  And I left.

But then it seemed like he changed.  And I told myself that I would be able to see it coming if it were to ever happen again.  And I told myself that I would leave at the first sign of his old habits.

I was wrong.

3.  Because he convinced me that if I couldn’t love him, I couldn’t love anyone

This one makes me angry.

Because, nothing brings out the weakness in a strong woman, like a weak man.

Because he made me believe that it was better to give up on myself, than it was to give up on the relationship.

Emails, phone calls, text messages, all saying a variation of the same thing: that I gave up on him.  That no one could possibly love me more than him.   That no one is perfect.  And if I couldn’t appreciate how much he loved me, then I would never be able to appreciate anyone who would love me afterwards.

Because he redefined and blurred the lines between loving someone, and needing someone.  And after a while, it all felt the same to me.

4.  Because I lost every single one of my friends

To make a long story short, it wasn’t a fun time for any of them.

Many of them  pulled away from me because, to them, my behavior all of a sudden became erratic. I was crying all the time.  Wanting to see him, but then swearing I’d never see him again.  Blocking his number, then calling it a million times.  Many of them pulled away because they just didn’t know what I needed.

I was always the one that they could depend on.  Unflappable.  I was the one that always helped, and all of a sudden, I needed help.  And I didn’t know how to ask for it, and when it was given, I didn’t know what to do with it.

I changed, and I didnt recognize myself.

But he stayed the same.  He was a constant…and for a while…despite his temper and the emotionally violent fights we would get into…he seemed safe.

5.  Because he wasn’t a bad person 

This was the hardest conclusion to come to. And I think for a lot of people on the outside of these relationships (the friends, family, co-workers) it’s the hardest thing to come to terms with…

Abusers aren’t bad people.  They are just really horrible partners.

My ex is a good friend to a lot of people.  He has a family he loves, and a job that he excels at.  And I wish him nothing but the healing I found (some days)

A lot of people couldn’t understand how someone like my ex could have such a dark side to them.  Hell, I couldn’t understand it either. And I don’t try to understand it anymore. I just know that I don’t want it in my life.

6.  I did not go back because I loved him…

To this day, people say this to me.  That I must’ve stayed because I loved him.

I didn’t love him.

And he didn’t love me. He needed me.

Abusive partners will never love anyone who stays with them, because in their hearts, they will never respect them.  They will never respect someone who allows themselves to be treated on the outside, the way abusers feel on the inside.

*******

So there it is.

I wouldn’t consider myself someone who “survived” an abusive relationship.

I was lucky enough to be able to “leave” it.  And to move on.  I left before things got “too bad” and for some reason, people think that means I’m not allowed to talk about the things that did go bad.

But I’m going to keep talking about them anyways…hoping that more people choose to leave and live, rather than survive.

And in case anyone needs to hear this, Ill go ahead and say it:

Is he going to change?  No

Should you leave? Yes

Will anyone love you more than he does?  Absolutely

Acknowledgements:  this wasn’t easy to write, but I feel like it needed to be written.  And I can’t write this post without paying a special thanks to my Mom. She was a warrior for me during a time where I had no fight left in me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why People Don’t Deserve Second Chances

We have all, at some point, been in a situation where someone we loved or cared about has asked for one thing, and one thing only… a second chance to make things right.  A second chance after they have royally and utterly screwed something up.

We’ve all been let down and disappointed by a person who, frankly, wasn’t supposed to do either of those things.  And we’ve all been assured by those people that whatever it was that they did will never happen again.

Whether it was with an ex, or with a friend, or family member, most of us know what’s it like to have someone pleading with us to keep them in our lives.  We’ve watched boys cry over us, friends blow up our phones with text after text of apologies for something they’ve done, and we’ve had to decide whether or not they deserved one more shot to be in our lives.

It’s a difficult situation to be in.

We listen to them call us judgmental or selfish.  Hear them tell us our standards are too high. They list all of the ways they make our lives better, and remind us of all the horrible things they haven’t done to us. It usually sounds something like this:

You:  I can’t believe you lied again
Them:  I know.  But c’mon… it’s not like I cheated on you

I’ve been on both sides of it.  I’ve been the one begging for another chance, swearing things will change… and I’ve been the one being begged, being told things will be different this time.  I understand how it rips you apart.

So if you’re out there wondering right now whether or not this person, whoever they are, deserves a second chance, I’m going to have to tell you this one sober fact:  They don’t.  

Do not give them a second chance.  Because they will mess it up again.  And they will mess it up beautifully. Do not give them a second chance because honestly, when you sit down and think about it…this ISN’T their second chance. It’s their hundredth, or millionth chance, and they shat all over it.  Again.

So walk away.

It’s not easy.  You’ll question and doubt yourself.  They will make you feel guilty and horrible for as long as they can.  You’re going to have to block all of that out, and just know and accept these things…

1. They will never change for you:   

This is a bitter pill to swallow. People don’t change unless the situation changes.

If you’re with someone and they lie, and you break up with them…they may change and be honest with the next person they’re with.  But not with you.

However, if you’re with someone and they lie, and you break up with them…and then you take them back…the situation never changed.  So they won’t change.  They really won’t.

(Please see #3 if you believe I’m lying, and that your partner did actually change for you)

2.  They fully believe that they’ve changed:

This is true.  I know this from first hand experience. I remember promising to be different, knowing in my heart… that I was going to be different.  I was going to be better.

And I remember how quickly those promises and efforts faded, the second I was given another chance.

That person who is in front of you, swearing they’re never going to cheat, or lie to you again.  The person who says they’re going to cut back on their drinking.  They really really believe that they’re going to be different.

But believe me, if you give them another chance, things won’t be different.  Things will be fake. And then things will get difficult.  And then… things will be the same.

3.  You will never actually believe they changed: 

Taking someone back after they’ve lied, cheated on, or abused you is like Chinese Water Torture.  Even if the drops stop falling on your head, you’re still going to be sat there, tied to a metaphorical chair, waiting for the next one to fall…because you know it’s coming.

So even if they’re not doing anything wrong, you’re going to be waiting around for something to go wrong…again.

So what’s the point? Why do that to yourself? Why make yourself an emotional hostage for someone who pulled the trigger the first time.  It’s not worth it.

4.  Unconditional love is bullshit:

Love should always come with conditions.

I love people fully, but only under certain conditions.  To do otherwise, to me, is idiocy.

You should love someone under the conditions that they respect you, are honest with you, and add value to your life.   If these conditions change…get  out of there.  You are not their mother.  It’s not your job to make sure they’re okay.  It IS your job to keep your self interest and self worth in mind. So just leave.

5. Your life will be better without them in it:

So stop worrying, and go live it.

 

Stop Calling Women Crazy

So…it happened again the other day. Someone called me crazy.

They didn’t actually say it to my face.  We always tend to hear these things second hand (unless we are in an argument someone wants  to shut down immediately)

Apparently,  my  name came up in a conversation, and someone quipped: “Be careful with her.  She’s crazy.”

Not going to lie to you.  Despite my ferocious amount of self-acceptance and understanding…this word never ceases to get under my skin.

Now look…

There’s a million posts about why calling women (or anyone)  crazy is one of the most harmful trends in our language today. If you haven’t read any of them yet, I want you to stop reading my post, and click here.  Do it.  You don’t even have to come back to my page.

This is not going to be one of those posts.

This is not a level headed plea asking people to reconsider what comes out of their mouths.  Not at all.  This is a direct, no bullshit , no sugar coating shout out to the people calling me and any of my girls out there “crazy.”

You need to stop doing it…like, right now.  And here’s why:

When you call a girl “crazy” when she’s not…you’re showing the rest of the world that you’re  just too god damn stupid to understand how words actually f*cking work.

And I’m not just talking to the men folk.  Ladies…you’re hurling that word around quite a bit these days too.

I know, it’s going to be difficult.  The word “crazy” is just our default for describing a woman’s “problematic” behavior.

It seems  to me that people need help stepping away from this word.  It seems that there’s quite a few people out there with the vocabulary of an illiterate four year old.  So I’m here to help.

The next time you want to call a woman “crazy,” see if any of these words or phrases will work better for what you’re trying to say:

Ways to finish the phrase: That girl is so ___________

  1. Intense
  2. Much prettier than me
  3. Funny in a way I don’t appreciate or understand
  4. Confident
  5. Ballsy
  6. Going to steal my boyfriend
  7. Not into me
  8. Outspoken
  9. Malicious or Mean
  10. Talkative
  11. Quirky
  12. Aggressive
  13. Dramatic
  14. Good at getting attention
  15. Honest
  16. Insecure
  17. Assertive
  18. Successful
  19. Passionate
  20. Weird
  21. Happy
  22. Blunt
  23. Loud
  24. Quiet
  25. Unlike me

There you go.

Feel free to consult a dictionary (that’s a book with words and their meanings in it…sound out the syllables first before you ask for one if you’re nervous using  your new words.  Really, take your time).

If none of these words work better than “crazy,” then feel free to consult a hospital and have that person medicated or looked into.  Leave the diagnosis to professionals, asshole.

Hey…

I’m even going to take this to the next level for you, and show you how you can use these words in real life situations.  Here’s some situations where I was called “crazy” where another word definitely would’ve been more suitable.

Situation 1:  I found out a boy I was dating had a girlfriend in another city.  And I wrote her a message telling her everything.

Wrong word: Crazy
Correct words:  Honest, Blunt, Ballsy

Situation 2: After a bad breakup, I wrote angry comments on an ex-boyfriends Facebook photo

Wrong word: Crazy
Correct words: Passionate, Outspoken, Mean (yes…I know it was mean)

Situation 3:  I spoke out very openly about a relationship that ended because of physical abuse  (And now I’ve done it again. So. Awkward.)

Wrong word: Crazy
Correct word: Awesome

Situation 4:  I called a guy 32 times in one night before he finally turned his phone off.  After that I switched to email. 

Correct word: Crazy.  So crazy. 

************

So, back to it.  The word “crazy.”  It’s used so often to shut women up about things people would rather just not know or hear about.  Things that actually need to be said.

It’s often used whenever we just don’t like someone, and when we want to make sure other people who meet them won’t like them either.

Boyfriends and guys use it against us to shut down what is often legitimate questions and concerns.  And women use it against us, because some women love hating other women (idiots).

It’s a cheat word.  A game ender.

It’s a word used by insecure and weak people  to gain some sort of strong hold on people they know they just simply cannot level up against. And it’s a word we resort to when we just want to cut someone off at the legs so we don’t have to see or hear from them again.

So, the word “crazy.”  It’s a word that’s best used within the context of medical facilities…or Britney Spear’s lyrics.

So unless you’ve studied medicine or are currently performing daily at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas…quit with the crazy talk, and start using words that actually mean something.

 

 

 

Why Your Relationships Fail, and Why You Shouldn’t Take it Personally

This post is not about the romantic relationships that matter.  Those few great romantic relationships we get in a lifetime (yes…you will get more than one, I promise).  Those relationships deserve to be cherished when they’re around, and missed when they’re gone.

This post is about “filler” relationships.  The relationships that have the emotional equivalence of bubble wrap.  We have many of those in our lives, and many of us spend far too much time worrying about them.  

This post is about the relationships that shouldn’t matter:  

*********

I can’t count the number of times one of my girlfriends has come up to me, crying and upset, because some douche-bro went MH370 on her and vanished without a trace.

This happens to all of us at some point. Someone we like, or thought we could like, decides to cut ties with our existence.

Poof. They’re gone.

Sometimes we get a conversation.  Sometimes we get a text message or email.  But most of the times, the person simply, just one day…is gone. Just gone.  Like magic.

When someone we like disappears, it sucks.  It’s hard to understand “why.”   (In fact, a friend of a friend has a great coping mechanism for times when this happens: he just pretends that that person died)

This stuff happens to all of us.   And when it does, we ALL have questions.

We want to know why they decided to stop calling.  In fact, we NEED to know…so we start to evaluate the entire relationship.  We scour over each detail and conversation and text message, and we just can’t figure out why they stopped calling or stopped wanting to hang out.

We do this after every failed relationship…ask ourselves why, why, why.  And eventually most of us come to the only possible conclusion: there has to be something wrong with us.

There HAS to be something wrong with us, right?

Are we are too clingy, too distant, too blunt, too secretive? Too skinny, too fat?  Am I not funny, too funny, funny but not in the right way? Too insecure? Too secure?  Too stand off-ish.  Maybe we didn’t laugh at his Batman impersonation when he did it for the millionth time?

I mean, there has to be something wrong with us…that’s the only way to explain how this just keeps happening to us over and over and over again.  We think there has to be something wrong with us because ALL of our relationships in the past month/year/decade have failed…

Well there’s not.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  If you want to know why relationship after relationship has gone no-where…I can go ahead and tell you the reason:

Most of your relationships will fail because that’s just how dating works.  

Very few romantic relationships will ever go past a certain level.  Those are the ones that matter.  It’s dumb luck and timing. It has nothing to do with you.

You date until you find someone who you can get to “that” level with.

 So if you date a lot…it may seem that people are always walking away from you.  It’s not you…they just know it won’t get to “that” level with you.  If you’re tired of being rejected, take a break from dating.   It gets exhausting. Three dates in a month?  None of them worked out? Sounds completely normal… but it still sucks. Take a knee for a moment.  Get back out there when you’re ready.

 If you don’t date a lot, and you go out on one date…unless you are very very lucky,  it won’t work out.  Do not make that one date a personal statement about your value.  And stop saying stupid dramatic things like, “this is why I never put myself out there.”  Just shut up about it.  You DID put yourself out there, and you got hurt. Take a knee for a moment.  And get back out there.

Side note: If you know anyone who always seems to “luck out” and find a boyfriend or girlfriend, please just know they’re probably majorly settling.

You may now be saying, “Hey…you don’t get it…they said such nice things to me.  They really seemed to like me.  Why would they lie?  Why would they lead me on?”

Why did they say nice things about you?  Probably because they meant them. I hate to bust your personal tragedy bubble by telling you this, but they really probably meant those things.

And if someone tells you you’re funny and amazing to be around, and then they stop hanging out with you…it doesn’t mean you’re NOT funny or amazing. It means they’re super weird.  Or it means they just didn’t see things going to the next level.  Or it means they got busy with life and realized they want to focus on other things… A relationship not being one of them.

So please…

Accept this fact: 99% of your relationships will not work out.  They will fail.  Because…math.

No one can ever have more than one successful romantic relationship in a life time. So even if someone has been married for ten years, the second they get divorced, 100% of their romantic relationships didn’t work out.

 As single people…we’re all in the same boat.

In the interest of full disclosure, 100% of my romantic relationships have never worked out.  And I’m awesome.  It has NOTHING to do with me.  And it has nothing to do with you.

It’s luck. Dumb luck.

So if you’re still not convinced, and you still think that YOU are the reason things don’t work out. Let’s think about this logically:

 Let’s imagine there’s something “wrong” with you. Maybe you think you’re not pretty or attractive enough, and that’s why nothing has worked out.  Ok.

So what you’re saying is that the only people who have successful relationships are attractive.  Fine.

Now think of all the people you know who are currently in relationships.  Think about them.  Are ALL of those people pretty and attractive?  NO FUCKING WAY.

That’s because finding a lasting romantic relationship has nothing to do with what you look like. It’s luck.

So maybe people don’t want to date you because you’re boring and insecure?

Think of all the people you know who are currently in relationships.  Are all of those people interesting and confident?  NO.

In fact, I think we all know some awful people who have managed to find someone to put up with them.  Being in a romantic relationship is not validation that you’re a good person.  It’s just…not.

Because being in a successful romantic relationship has nothing to do with you or what you’re like.  It’s luck and timing.

Real Talk: Why do you want to even be in a romantic relationship?  Why is this a goal? 

I always ask my friends this.

 I mean…how much more fun do single people really think committed people are having ?  Relationships are hard fucking work…that’s why most of them fail.  If you think being in a relationship means you won’t feel lonely at times…  Im sorry…but you will.  In a relationship, you’re also going to feel let down at times.  And bored as hell at times.

Single or not, life is hard for all of us. So stop making it harder on yourself by thinking you’re the one with an issue.

And for all of those people who don’t call you back, or who vanish into thin air…here’s how you deal with them.  Get out your phone and scroll to their number.  Delete it.

Poof…they’re gone.

Looks like they’re not the only one who can make shit disappear.

How to Talk To Women: A One Step Guide

A very near and dear friend was talking to me about my blog posts a few months ago.  He was wondering if I could write a post for guys.  A post where I give advice on how to talk to women.

So I’ve been giving it A LOT of thought.

I’ve gone through my interactions with guys at parties for the last few years.  I thought about what “worked” and what “didn’t work.”  What a guy should say and what not to say.  I even talked about it with some of my girlfriends over wine.  And, guys,  i’m happy to report back that I’ve narrowed it down to one…easy…step.  That’s it! So, listen up, boys…here it is:

How to talk to a woman:

1. Go up to her, introduce yourself.   And then talk to her like you would talk to any other human.

That’s it.  There’s really no trick.  No “lines” needed.  No aces up your sleeves.  Just walk up to her, introduce yourself, and say whatever it is you would say to any new person.  Pretend like she’s just a normal standard human that you’re trying to get to know…because that’s what we are.  We’re just like you.

And if you don’t know where to start…just start with your name.  It’s simple.

If she walks up to your group while you’re in the middle of a conversation…you can continue that conversation.  No need to switch to a topic you “think” she would be interested in.  If she’s bored, she will walk away, and this opens you up to going up to her later and saying, “hey…didn’t catch your name back there…where are you from?”

You can talk to her about pretty much anything at all.  Sports, work, life in the city you live in…be creative.  If you’re having trouble thinking of topics, just think about what you say to dudes the first few times you meet them.  It works the same way.  We all just kind of like stuff. And she may like the same stuff that you do.  Find out!

However… just like any other human you meet, she may choose that she doesn’t really want to speak to you for too long.  A woman, like anyone else, may have her own friends that she came to hang out with, or may just want to enjoy the party and socialize.  It happens.

It has nothing to do with you…

Or what you look like or what you’re wearing.  And as long as you are just talking to her like any other human, I promise you, it has nothing to do with what you said.  So just walk away, and hang out with people who love you for a while.  Shake it off.

Now look, I know you were hoping for something a little more “exotic.”  A guaranteed way to strike up a conversation.  But that doesn’t really exist for any human on human interaction you can think of.

Think about it:  at a party…how many times has a relative stranger been able to keep your undivided attention for more than ten minutes?  Those types of situations where you really “hit it off” with someone just don’t happen all that often, which is why we cherish them when they do.  Don’t take it personally.

And remember…women have to deal with a lot of douche-bros throwing attention our ways.  So if you get overlooked every now and then…please give us a little bit of a break and just back away nicely.  And please please please, don’t ever say: I’m not like most guys.  Just don’t.  Because every guy says that.   It’s annoying.

So that’s it…that’s how you talk to a woman.  Talk to her like any one else.  We are no different.  And trust me, as a woman, I realize how hard or intimidating it is to speak to us.  I get shot down regularly when I’m actually genuinely just trying to be friends with them.  I feel your pain, but I’m telling you…the gimmicks, the lines, they simply don’t work on women.

So that’s women…we like it when you treat us normally.  Because we are just normal people. Mostly.

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That being said…not every female out there considers herself a woman who just wants to be spoken to like everyone else.  Some of us like to be treated differently, treated like princesses,  treated like girls. Talking to a girl is a completely different ball game, and generally, they’re much more fun to talk to at parties.

This guide is a little more detailed, but go ahead and give it a look.  (Warning: these will not work on women…we will just walk away)

A step by step guide to talking to girls: 

1.  Start off by “negging” her

Example: You see a girl with a hot body and you say, “Wow…you need to workout” 

This is probably the most effective way to get a girl interested as it makes her feel like shit about herself for a second, but then she realizes it’s a compliment, so she feels DOUBLY good about what you said.

2. If the negging works, compliment her, but only in the 3rd person

Example: A girl makes a funny joke, and you look to the person next to you and go, “Aww…she’s so funny, isn’t she?”

You don’t want her to get bored too quickly…so very slowly, slowly show her you approve of her existence and personality.  Baby steps.

3.  Ignore her when another female walks up…but only for a few minutes

 (You can also combine this with some slight negging.  You can say something like, “finally…someone interesting to talk to.”  Follow this with a wink in her direction so she knows you’re not serious.  She’ll go crazy!)

4.  Interrupt the flow of a normal conversation to give her an out of place compliment about her appearance…then continue said conversation  

(The trick is to make it seem like you’re so overwhelmed by her beauty that you couldn’t control what came out of your mouth)

5.  Just be very very attractive and stand there and let her come up with things to say (Ok…this one may work on women sometimes…we are only human after all) 

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Now…none of this is an attack on “girls.”  Or on guys who like talking to them.

I used to really enjoy being talked to like a girl…it kept me on my toes, I never really knew what to expect,  banter goes back and forth…just like a game.  And then I realized I really hate games.  If you never know what to expect from someone, you can probably just stop expecting much at all.

And I just don’t have time for that anymore.

xx