I’m Not a Cool Girlfriend

No one I have ever dated will ever call me cool.

The words, “loyal,” “honest,” and “intense,” may come up, but “cool,” despite my very best efforts, has never been a descriptor that fit me very well.

And believe me, I have tried so hard to be cool.

I have shrugged off missed dates, gotten over lies, moved past drunk indiscretions that “meant nothing.”  I’ve laughed off inappropriate requests,  given guys second chances without second guessing them, after seconds turned into hours, and then days without hearing from them.

I have dealt with cell phones smashed in fits of anger, holes punched into walls, and a million, “I’ll do better next times.”

I tried really hard to be cool.

You can ask my therapist how hard I have tried:

During one of our sessions, it was with desperate sincerity that I asked her if it was possible to take medication that could “dumb me down” just a little bit.   Make me feel like less of me.  Make me let things go.  Expect less of people.  Because I was sick of feeling like too much for  the people around me.

I’ve tried really really hard to be cool.

I’ve had people that insist on treating relationships like a game of “would you rather.”  I’d hear things like:

Well, would you rather he tell you about something he did that would upset you or have him lie to you?

Would you rather he get moody and disappear from time to time or have him be super clingy?

I’d play along and choose the lesser of two evils and pretend that it was enough.

I’d let lies slide by, I’d let communication lapse, I’d pretend I didn’t see things that I saw.  I’d let myself feel miserable. I’d bite my tongue when people told me to never settle.  Because all I ever heard about was how I needed to settle, because…well…guys just don’t ever really “get it.”

I really really wanted to be a cool girl.

But I couldn’t.

I have tried to be a cool girlfriend.  I have faked being cool.  I have literally paid in blood, sweat, and tears to be cool.  I’m not.

I cannot be a cool girlfriend for this one reason: I could never find that boundary between making a compromise and being a door mat.

And I finally got sick of being walked all over.  I couldn’t deal with having my faith in men and relationships destroyed all in the name of “keeping my cool.”

I’m not a cool girlfriend.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I refuse to believe that all men are as basic, and needy, and insensitive as the world at large portrays them to be.    I refuse to believe that in order to be in a partnership with a man, I have to accept a certain amount of “boys will be boys” behavior.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because at the end of the day, I believe that a boyfriend can treat me with the same respect, honesty, and integrity that I treat him with.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I expect my partner to treat every woman like he treats me.  I expect him to sit out strip clubs, I expect him to stand up for drunk women being creeped on in bars. I expect his adoration for me to reflect in his treatment and respect for every single woman he meets.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I believe that men can learn to honor, cherish, and fiercely protect the commitments  they make to the people they love.  They can realize that every decision they make either takes them towards their commitments, or away from them.  Without compromise.  Without question. Without ridicule.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I know I don’t want a boyfriend who is “cool.”  I want a boyfriend who is brutally honest.  Who shows me his edges in moments of panic and says: how do I fix myself without hurting you?

I want a boyfriend who realizes that both of us, in the face of something real, like a relationship that matters, are so drastically uncool, and uncollected, that it’s beautiful.

I want a boyfriend who treats me like my friends do: who returns calls, checks in, invites me out, laughs at my incredibly not funny jokes, and recognizes how horribly overwhelmingly unfair it is for women to always have to be the cool one.  The one who understands. And forgives.  And pretends to forget.

So yeah, I know.  A lot of you out there are thinking: girl, you’re living in a dream world.  That there’s certain realities I have to face.  That “guys will always be guys.”

And all I have to say to you is…yes…most guys will always choose to be guys.

But some will choose to become men for the people they love.

And if you doubt that, if you really think some men’s cluelessness in relationships, and the endless one night stands is what all guys want because it is in their nature…show me your role models.  Show me your men who live their lives lying and deceiving and failing at relationships, who, on their death bed say…man…that was one heck of a life.

Show me those men.

And I’ll show you the slew of men who are happy to step up their game.  Who are relieved to not be reduced to a #notallmen stereotype.  Who want to talk about what they’re feeling.  And how broken they felt when they were crying as kids, and told to hide their emotions and “act cool.”

Cool gets you no where. There are better things to be than a cool girlfriend.

Cool gets you settling for a cool love, a cool relationship, and cool communication that inevitably turns cold, brittle, and breaks. And I’ve had enough of things breaking on me.

I can’t shake off the pain anymore.  Pretend giving more than I got didn’t matter.  I’m just not that cool of a girlfriend.

How to Fix Your “Jealous” Girlfriend

I’m not the jealous type.

Needless to say, I have experienced jealousy from time to time.

For example, the time my brother got a birthday party at Soccer Zone and I didn’t…I felt kind of jealous.  Or in sixth grade, when the guy I liked asked my friend to the social…sure…I felt super jealous.

But then life taught me I have plenty to be grateful for, and not much to be jealous of, and I chilled out.  I mellowed out.

And then…I started dating.

And I started noticing that I was being called jealous…like all the time.  In fact, in two of the major relationships I’ve had, pretty much every question I asked was answered with: Hey…Why are you SO jealous?

Now as someone who loves to learn from past mistakes (as to not repeat them) I really wanted to evaluate and consider whether or not I actually had a jealousy issue.  And it occured to me that lots of people out there probably are also dealing with partners who suffer from bouts of jealousy.

So I figured, while I work on myself, it makes sense to give guidance to people who are currently suffering in a relationship with a “jealous” person.

So if you’re currently with someone who just seems to be way too jealous all the time…look into these quick fixes and see if it helps. <end sarcasm font>

How to Fix Your “Jealous” Girlfriend:

1. Cut the “basic bitches” out of your life.  You know the ones: 

Girls that fall under this category are  ex-hookups and ex-girlfriends.  And stop calling them “friends.”  They’re not your friends.

Also in this list are certain female friends that just seem to be a little too close for comfort.  If you don’t know which ones, just ask your girl…she will tell you.

Now I get it…sometimes your girlfriend may go over board and demand that you stop talking to any females other than her.  Thats not what I’m talking about here.  We all need to be reasonable.  We, as girls, need to understand that you will have contact and friendships with other females in your life.  We need to understand that.

But you…what you need to understand is that we, as girls, understand other girls.

When we meet them, we have to make an assessment: is this girl  a “friendly,” or  is she a “foe.”  And we often err on the side of caution.

So when the same “friend’s” name keeps coming up in your fights over and over,  it’s time to stop treating the symptom, by calling your girl “jealous,” and cut off the cause of the issue…the other girl.

As for your “female friends” you have.  This always cracks me up…when a boyfriend talks about being ‘just friends’ with a girl.

Here’s why: For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told that “guys and girls can NEVER be friends.”

In fact, any time I tell a boyfriend I’m “just friends” with a guy…he laughs…stares at me like I’m a child and says, “He’s just waiting for a chance to get with you.” So apparently, I actually don’t have any male friends. None.   Because boys don’t want to be friends with girls. Le sigh.

Except you… You apparently, are totally capable of being friends with a girl.  Because you’re not like “most guys?”  Doubtful.

It’s really hard to all of a sudden be asked to accept that we have met the one guy who can actually be friends with girls.  And that we’re dating him. Yet all of our guy friends are just waiting for their chance to move in.

So… sort out your hypocritical bullshit, and maybe you’ll help sort out your girlfriend’s jealousy issues.  Maybe.

And if you really think you need to have all these extra females in your life…maybe you should work on sorting out your ego issues.

2. Unless you’re Simba from The Lion King…stop saying “the past is the past:”

We keep getting told not to live in the past.  And then we get told to not worry about things that MAY happen in the future.  So that means we have about 5-8 seconds of the “present” relationship that we are allowed to think about.  That’s ridiculous.

A relationship is based on the foundation laid in the past, the present feelings, and hopes for the future.  Pretty much all of those things matter.

The past is not the past.

And the best prediction for future behavior, is past behavior.  So if you acted like a deceitful twat in the past, that’s going to carry over into your future.  So…looks like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Just accept that things that you did that keep coming up, will continue to come up, and  deal with it, or leave that jealous girlfriend who just “can’t let things go.”  And find a girl who wants to put up with you.

3.  Don’t ever end stories with the phrase “Don’t worry.  Nothing happened.” It will not go well: 

The very phrase itself makes no sense.  Of course SOMETHING happened. The only time you can say this is if you woke up… and remained in bed…all day.  Until your girlfriend came over.

And why are you being so defensive?   Had lunch with a co-worker that turned into a happy hour?  Yet nothing happened?  What does “nothing” even mean??

You could, of course, define it for us.  But, much easier to just call your girl jealous, and be done with it.

4.  Figure out how social media works, or get better at lying:

Seriously…it’s not even hard.

We can see pretty much everything you do on Instagram or Facebook, unless you specifically change your privacy settings. So if you haven’t changed anything since you created your account…your girl will be able to check up on anything her “crazy jealous” lady-brain may make her check on.

For example: let’s say you go on a bachelor’s weekend in Cancun.  And you tell her, “don’t worry…nothing happened.”

Here’s what she might do:

Step One: Check your “recently added” friends on Facebook and see if any recently added girls have profile picture that were recently taken on a tropical beach resort…similar to those found in Cancun
Step Two: Check out those girls and any female friends they may have “tagged” in recent photos
Step Three: Cross-check those girls on the “recently added” with your “followers” on Instagram
Step Four: Check if you’re “following” any of those girls 
Step Five: Check your “liked” photos on Insta (yes we can do that) 
Step Six: Ask you questions about any girls that fall into any or all of those steps

Sound intense to you?  No way.

All of those steps would take us, maybe a total of 47 seconds.  Maybe.  Depends on internet speed.

Now some people may be saying…hey…checking into your boyfriend that much shows you don’t trust him.  And to those people I say: you’re absolutely right.  And I don’t care. Trust is built.  And in 2016…this is how we build it.

5.  Admit that your friends might actually be the ones that suck: 

Because let’s face it…your 30 year old single guy friends who troll on Tinder and take geography quizzes online for fun, may not be the best “go-to” people for relationship advice.  And often times, they will only hear about your girlfriend when you’re complaining about her.  So why would they ever tell you that you’re in the wrong?

The only time you should ever consider taking relationship advice from a friend is if they are currently in a relationship that you would WANT to be in, or have had a healthy relationship in the past.

Otherwise…misery loves company.  And they sure liked it when you were single.

6. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  It’s in the Bible:

Self explanatory.  It would solve a lot of jealousy issues right off the bat.

7.  Watch the “If I Were a Boy” video and learn.  Learn from Beyonce.   

********

Disclaimer:  I’m a girl…this is written from a girl’s perspective.  All of this completely applies to girlfriends calling their boyfriend’s “jealous” as well.  So relax, gentlemen, we do it too

 

Why People Don’t Deserve Second Chances

We have all, at some point, been in a situation where someone we loved or cared about has asked for one thing, and one thing only… a second chance to make things right.  A second chance after they have royally and utterly screwed something up.

We’ve all been let down and disappointed by a person who, frankly, wasn’t supposed to do either of those things.  And we’ve all been assured by those people that whatever it was that they did will never happen again.

Whether it was with an ex, or with a friend, or family member, most of us know what’s it like to have someone pleading with us to keep them in our lives.  We’ve watched boys cry over us, friends blow up our phones with text after text of apologies for something they’ve done, and we’ve had to decide whether or not they deserved one more shot to be in our lives.

It’s a difficult situation to be in.

We listen to them call us judgmental or selfish.  Hear them tell us our standards are too high. They list all of the ways they make our lives better, and remind us of all the horrible things they haven’t done to us. It usually sounds something like this:

You:  I can’t believe you lied again
Them:  I know.  But c’mon… it’s not like I cheated on you

I’ve been on both sides of it.  I’ve been the one begging for another chance, swearing things will change… and I’ve been the one being begged, being told things will be different this time.  I understand how it rips you apart.

So if you’re out there wondering right now whether or not this person, whoever they are, deserves a second chance, I’m going to have to tell you this one sober fact:  They don’t.  

Do not give them a second chance.  Because they will mess it up again.  And they will mess it up beautifully. Do not give them a second chance because honestly, when you sit down and think about it…this ISN’T their second chance. It’s their hundredth, or millionth chance, and they shat all over it.  Again.

So walk away.

It’s not easy.  You’ll question and doubt yourself.  They will make you feel guilty and horrible for as long as they can.  You’re going to have to block all of that out, and just know and accept these things…

1. They will never change for you:   

This is a bitter pill to swallow. People don’t change unless the situation changes.

If you’re with someone and they lie, and you break up with them…they may change and be honest with the next person they’re with.  But not with you.

However, if you’re with someone and they lie, and you break up with them…and then you take them back…the situation never changed.  So they won’t change.  They really won’t.

(Please see #3 if you believe I’m lying, and that your partner did actually change for you)

2.  They fully believe that they’ve changed:

This is true.  I know this from first hand experience. I remember promising to be different, knowing in my heart… that I was going to be different.  I was going to be better.

And I remember how quickly those promises and efforts faded, the second I was given another chance.

That person who is in front of you, swearing they’re never going to cheat, or lie to you again.  The person who says they’re going to cut back on their drinking.  They really really believe that they’re going to be different.

But believe me, if you give them another chance, things won’t be different.  Things will be fake. And then things will get difficult.  And then… things will be the same.

3.  You will never actually believe they changed: 

Taking someone back after they’ve lied, cheated on, or abused you is like Chinese Water Torture.  Even if the drops stop falling on your head, you’re still going to be sat there, tied to a metaphorical chair, waiting for the next one to fall…because you know it’s coming.

So even if they’re not doing anything wrong, you’re going to be waiting around for something to go wrong…again.

So what’s the point? Why do that to yourself? Why make yourself an emotional hostage for someone who pulled the trigger the first time.  It’s not worth it.

4.  Unconditional love is bullshit:

Love should always come with conditions.

I love people fully, but only under certain conditions.  To do otherwise, to me, is idiocy.

You should love someone under the conditions that they respect you, are honest with you, and add value to your life.   If these conditions change…get  out of there.  You are not their mother.  It’s not your job to make sure they’re okay.  It IS your job to keep your self interest and self worth in mind. So just leave.

5. Your life will be better without them in it:

So stop worrying, and go live it.

 

Worrying About What People Think About You Is A Stupid Waste of Your Time

Everyone has haters. Everyone.

Here’s why we worry about them, why I used to worry about them, and why we can all stop:

We worry it means we are not good people: 

There are people who hate Mother Teresa.  No joke… Mother Teresa.  I won’t go into the reasons why.  You can Google them on your own time.  And I don’t know much about Mother Teresa…never met her.  But I do know that to many, she was not only a good person, she was a GREAT person. Better than me.

Mother Teresa has haters, she was a good person.  You have haters, you are a good person (Logic)

Stop worrying.

We don’t understand why they don’t like us. 

That’s fine because it’s none of your business.  Not at all.   It’s not your business to understand how someone else thinks.

I am a great friend.  A lot of people who barely know me also think i’m a fantastic person.  Since starting this blog, people have called me “inspirational,” “motivating,” people have messaged and said I’m a “good role model for young women.”

It’s great to hear all of that, it really means a lot, but it doesn’t mean I don’t know that plenty of people HATE ME.  I don’t understand why one group of people feels one way, and the other feels how they do.  People make no damn sense.

Just move on.

We don’t want people to be mean to us in public. 

There are so many ex boyfriends, ex friends, relative strangers out there who despise my existence.   We all know who those people are, and we worry that it will make things strange for us if we see them out in a bar or at a party.  I get it.

But take it from me…no matter how much someone dislikes you…when they see you, they’re going to treat you like they love you. That’s because people are chicken shit.  Even though they dont like you…they’re going to pretend like they like you.  I promise.

So basically, if someone likes you, they are going to be friendly when they see you.  If someone doesn’t like you, they too, are most likely going to be friendly when they see you. No issue.

We worry other people we meet won’t like us because of things our haters say. 

So you’re worried about people who make up their minds about others before even meeting them.  You’re worried these people won’t want to be your friend?  Why?  That doesnt  sound like a problem.  Not even a small one.

Sounds like the haters are doing you a favor on this one.

We are worried there is actually something wrong with us, and that we need to change.

Fair enough.  Some of us really do need to change things about ourselves.

But if the haters are the one pointing these aspects of our personality out…you’ve got bigger issues.  Your friends and family…the people who love you…that’s their job.  And it’s your job to listen.   So were you listening?

I’ve said it before…my friends are my mirrors.  Yours should be too.  And if they’re good friends, odds are they have mentioned things to us that we should adjust…but for some reason we only pay attention when other people say it to us.  So if you’re getting the message from both sides…yeah…evaluate that.  Change it if you want to.  But it still doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t.

You don’t owe anything to the haters.  Never change for them.  Never.

You do owe a lot to the people you love.  You can change for them. Always.

So like I said before…everyone has haters…

You can find a group of haters for pretty much any “good” cause or person out there today.  We often wonder why there’s a shortage of good or honest people in the world, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that people only love to TALK about how they don’t have “good” things or people in their lives.

Then the second they meet someone who is happy, or honest, or doing something good, many people try their hardest to tear them down.  Or to find the cracks.  And if none exist…people try to create them.  Never crack for haters.

Keep your head up, shake it off, keep smiling (always keep smiling).  That’s what you do and should keep doing.

Let the hater’s hate.