I’m Not a Cool Girlfriend

No one I have ever dated will ever call me cool.

The words, “loyal,” “honest,” and “intense,” may come up, but “cool,” despite my very best efforts, has never been a descriptor that fit me very well.

And believe me, I have tried so hard to be cool.

I have shrugged off missed dates, gotten over lies, moved past drunk indiscretions that “meant nothing.”  I’ve laughed off inappropriate requests,  given guys second chances without second guessing them, after seconds turned into hours, and then days without hearing from them.

I have dealt with cell phones smashed in fits of anger, holes punched into walls, and a million, “I’ll do better next times.”

I tried really hard to be cool.

You can ask my therapist how hard I have tried:

During one of our sessions, it was with desperate sincerity that I asked her if it was possible to take medication that could “dumb me down” just a little bit.   Make me feel like less of me.  Make me let things go.  Expect less of people.  Because I was sick of feeling like too much for  the people around me.

I’ve tried really really hard to be cool.

I’ve had people that insist on treating relationships like a game of “would you rather.”  I’d hear things like:

Well, would you rather he tell you about something he did that would upset you or have him lie to you?

Would you rather he get moody and disappear from time to time or have him be super clingy?

I’d play along and choose the lesser of two evils and pretend that it was enough.

I’d let lies slide by, I’d let communication lapse, I’d pretend I didn’t see things that I saw.  I’d let myself feel miserable. I’d bite my tongue when people told me to never settle.  Because all I ever heard about was how I needed to settle, because…well…guys just don’t ever really “get it.”

I really really wanted to be a cool girl.

But I couldn’t.

I have tried to be a cool girlfriend.  I have faked being cool.  I have literally paid in blood, sweat, and tears to be cool.  I’m not.

I cannot be a cool girlfriend for this one reason: I could never find that boundary between making a compromise and being a door mat.

And I finally got sick of being walked all over.  I couldn’t deal with having my faith in men and relationships destroyed all in the name of “keeping my cool.”

I’m not a cool girlfriend.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I refuse to believe that all men are as basic, and needy, and insensitive as the world at large portrays them to be.    I refuse to believe that in order to be in a partnership with a man, I have to accept a certain amount of “boys will be boys” behavior.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because at the end of the day, I believe that a boyfriend can treat me with the same respect, honesty, and integrity that I treat him with.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I expect my partner to treat every woman like he treats me.  I expect him to sit out strip clubs, I expect him to stand up for drunk women being creeped on in bars. I expect his adoration for me to reflect in his treatment and respect for every single woman he meets.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I believe that men can learn to honor, cherish, and fiercely protect the commitments  they make to the people they love.  They can realize that every decision they make either takes them towards their commitments, or away from them.  Without compromise.  Without question. Without ridicule.

I’m not a cool girlfriend because I know I don’t want a boyfriend who is “cool.”  I want a boyfriend who is brutally honest.  Who shows me his edges in moments of panic and says: how do I fix myself without hurting you?

I want a boyfriend who realizes that both of us, in the face of something real, like a relationship that matters, are so drastically uncool, and uncollected, that it’s beautiful.

I want a boyfriend who treats me like my friends do: who returns calls, checks in, invites me out, laughs at my incredibly not funny jokes, and recognizes how horribly overwhelmingly unfair it is for women to always have to be the cool one.  The one who understands. And forgives.  And pretends to forget.

So yeah, I know.  A lot of you out there are thinking: girl, you’re living in a dream world.  That there’s certain realities I have to face.  That “guys will always be guys.”

And all I have to say to you is…yes…most guys will always choose to be guys.

But some will choose to become men for the people they love.

And if you doubt that, if you really think some men’s cluelessness in relationships, and the endless one night stands is what all guys want because it is in their nature…show me your role models.  Show me your men who live their lives lying and deceiving and failing at relationships, who, on their death bed say…man…that was one heck of a life.

Show me those men.

And I’ll show you the slew of men who are happy to step up their game.  Who are relieved to not be reduced to a #notallmen stereotype.  Who want to talk about what they’re feeling.  And how broken they felt when they were crying as kids, and told to hide their emotions and “act cool.”

Cool gets you no where. There are better things to be than a cool girlfriend.

Cool gets you settling for a cool love, a cool relationship, and cool communication that inevitably turns cold, brittle, and breaks. And I’ve had enough of things breaking on me.

I can’t shake off the pain anymore.  Pretend giving more than I got didn’t matter.  I’m just not that cool of a girlfriend.

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Why You Would Go Back to Your Abusive Ex

I’m not writing this to hurt anyone.

Even though I’ve wanted to write this for a while,  I held off on it for several reasons: the post always came across as incredibly bitter…and quite frankly, I wasn’t strong enough to deal with any criticism or blow black from people who knew me when I was with him.

Trust me, I know there’s two sides to every story.  But this is mine.

I’m not writing this to hurt anyone, but I know it will.

I also know if it will piss a lot of people off…particularly those in my ex-boyfriend’s camp or the people who just wanted me to shut up about everything all those years ago.

I know this is going to hurt people.  So  I’ll go ahead and tell anyone who’s upset about this post exactly what my ex boyfriend said to me the day after he grabbed me by the neck and shoved my head into a car window over and over again.  I’ll go ahead and say:  I’m sorry…but I never meant to hurt you.

Hope that makes you feel better?  I dunno…It never really worked for me.

I’m not writing this to hurt anyone. I’m writing this because the only reason I stopped talking about abuse, is because other people told me to.

I was sick of being called dramatic, of getting belligerent emails from him, or getting called a liar in bars by people who knew him.  I was sick of  having to explain to people why I broke up with him…after all…we looked so happy together in photos.

I’m writing this because I told myself that I would never go back to someone who abused me.  That if a guy so much as laid a finger on me, I would be gone. I’m writing this because we all have stories like this, but we never talk about them.  And we need to start to.

I judged people like Rihanna, questioned their sense of self respect, and held on to the belief that I, some how, was better and stronger than a girl who would go running back.

But I wasn’t.

And for a long time, that made me question myself.  And doubt myself.  And ultimately hate myself.  But luckily, as time went on, I got some clarity…and with that clarity…the questions turned to answers.

Answers that I wish I had two years ago.  And answers that I think may help people.  Who knows…maybe this post is just for me.  For me to help myself. To finally put one of my relationship Bogeymen to rest.  He always did say I was selfish.

Why did I go back?

1. Because people convinced me the abuse wasn’t bad enough

As my ex so poignantly put in an email, “it’s not like  I Ray Rice-ed you.”

If you dont get the reference, please stop right now and view the footage of what NFL player Ray Rice did to his fiance in an elevator.  (She later married him that month)

So I’ll go ahead and confess that this is true: my ex did NOT knock me unconscious in an elevator, and drag me by the leg into a hotel hallway and let the doors almost close on me.  He sure didn’t.

He also didn’t leave me bruised up, or in need of a hospital.  He never punched me.  He never slapped me.

He did, however, go from being a guy who “would never touch a girl,” to someone who “would never touch me again.”  You see…it was a one time thing. He believed it.   Other people believed it.  And after a few months of being broken up, I believed it too. So I went back. And when it happened again…it still wasn’t bad enough for people.

But it was finally bad enough for me.

People asked questions.  How hard he pushed me…had I said something to antagonize him…was I sure I wasn’t exaggerating?

And I spent way too much of my time and sanity trying to answer these questions.  And I’m done now.  But I do have a question of my own for anyone who still thinks things weren’t bad enough:  how bad did I need to let it get?  Seriously, how badly did he need to hurt me? 

2.  Because I saw it coming

I saw the violence build up the first months we were together: he’d punch walls, throw phones, push taxi drivers…all the while swearing he would NEVER touch me.  Ever.

Then he did.  And I left.

But then it seemed like he changed.  And I told myself that I would be able to see it coming if it were to ever happen again.  And I told myself that I would leave at the first sign of his old habits.

I was wrong.

3.  Because he convinced me that if I couldn’t love him, I couldn’t love anyone

This one makes me angry.

Because, nothing brings out the weakness in a strong woman, like a weak man.

Because he made me believe that it was better to give up on myself, than it was to give up on the relationship.

Emails, phone calls, text messages, all saying a variation of the same thing: that I gave up on him.  That no one could possibly love me more than him.   That no one is perfect.  And if I couldn’t appreciate how much he loved me, then I would never be able to appreciate anyone who would love me afterwards.

Because he redefined and blurred the lines between loving someone, and needing someone.  And after a while, it all felt the same to me.

4.  Because I lost every single one of my friends

To make a long story short, it wasn’t a fun time for any of them.

Many of them  pulled away from me because, to them, my behavior all of a sudden became erratic. I was crying all the time.  Wanting to see him, but then swearing I’d never see him again.  Blocking his number, then calling it a million times.  Many of them pulled away because they just didn’t know what I needed.

I was always the one that they could depend on.  Unflappable.  I was the one that always helped, and all of a sudden, I needed help.  And I didn’t know how to ask for it, and when it was given, I didn’t know what to do with it.

I changed, and I didnt recognize myself.

But he stayed the same.  He was a constant…and for a while…despite his temper and the emotionally violent fights we would get into…he seemed safe.

5.  Because he wasn’t a bad person 

This was the hardest conclusion to come to. And I think for a lot of people on the outside of these relationships (the friends, family, co-workers) it’s the hardest thing to come to terms with…

Abusers aren’t bad people.  They are just really horrible partners.

My ex is a good friend to a lot of people.  He has a family he loves, and a job that he excels at.  And I wish him nothing but the healing I found (some days)

A lot of people couldn’t understand how someone like my ex could have such a dark side to them.  Hell, I couldn’t understand it either. And I don’t try to understand it anymore. I just know that I don’t want it in my life.

6.  I did not go back because I loved him…

To this day, people say this to me.  That I must’ve stayed because I loved him.

I didn’t love him.

And he didn’t love me. He needed me.

Abusive partners will never love anyone who stays with them, because in their hearts, they will never respect them.  They will never respect someone who allows themselves to be treated on the outside, the way abusers feel on the inside.

*******

So there it is.

I wouldn’t consider myself someone who “survived” an abusive relationship.

I was lucky enough to be able to “leave” it.  And to move on.  I left before things got “too bad” and for some reason, people think that means I’m not allowed to talk about the things that did go bad.

But I’m going to keep talking about them anyways…hoping that more people choose to leave and live, rather than survive.

And in case anyone needs to hear this, Ill go ahead and say it:

Is he going to change?  No

Should you leave? Yes

Will anyone love you more than he does?  Absolutely

Acknowledgements:  this wasn’t easy to write, but I feel like it needed to be written.  And I can’t write this post without paying a special thanks to my Mom. She was a warrior for me during a time where I had no fight left in me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Fix Your “Jealous” Girlfriend

I’m not the jealous type.

Needless to say, I have experienced jealousy from time to time.

For example, the time my brother got a birthday party at Soccer Zone and I didn’t…I felt kind of jealous.  Or in sixth grade, when the guy I liked asked my friend to the social…sure…I felt super jealous.

But then life taught me I have plenty to be grateful for, and not much to be jealous of, and I chilled out.  I mellowed out.

And then…I started dating.

And I started noticing that I was being called jealous…like all the time.  In fact, in two of the major relationships I’ve had, pretty much every question I asked was answered with: Hey…Why are you SO jealous?

Now as someone who loves to learn from past mistakes (as to not repeat them) I really wanted to evaluate and consider whether or not I actually had a jealousy issue.  And it occured to me that lots of people out there probably are also dealing with partners who suffer from bouts of jealousy.

So I figured, while I work on myself, it makes sense to give guidance to people who are currently suffering in a relationship with a “jealous” person.

So if you’re currently with someone who just seems to be way too jealous all the time…look into these quick fixes and see if it helps. <end sarcasm font>

How to Fix Your “Jealous” Girlfriend:

1. Cut the “basic bitches” out of your life.  You know the ones: 

Girls that fall under this category are  ex-hookups and ex-girlfriends.  And stop calling them “friends.”  They’re not your friends.

Also in this list are certain female friends that just seem to be a little too close for comfort.  If you don’t know which ones, just ask your girl…she will tell you.

Now I get it…sometimes your girlfriend may go over board and demand that you stop talking to any females other than her.  Thats not what I’m talking about here.  We all need to be reasonable.  We, as girls, need to understand that you will have contact and friendships with other females in your life.  We need to understand that.

But you…what you need to understand is that we, as girls, understand other girls.

When we meet them, we have to make an assessment: is this girl  a “friendly,” or  is she a “foe.”  And we often err on the side of caution.

So when the same “friend’s” name keeps coming up in your fights over and over,  it’s time to stop treating the symptom, by calling your girl “jealous,” and cut off the cause of the issue…the other girl.

As for your “female friends” you have.  This always cracks me up…when a boyfriend talks about being ‘just friends’ with a girl.

Here’s why: For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told that “guys and girls can NEVER be friends.”

In fact, any time I tell a boyfriend I’m “just friends” with a guy…he laughs…stares at me like I’m a child and says, “He’s just waiting for a chance to get with you.” So apparently, I actually don’t have any male friends. None.   Because boys don’t want to be friends with girls. Le sigh.

Except you… You apparently, are totally capable of being friends with a girl.  Because you’re not like “most guys?”  Doubtful.

It’s really hard to all of a sudden be asked to accept that we have met the one guy who can actually be friends with girls.  And that we’re dating him. Yet all of our guy friends are just waiting for their chance to move in.

So… sort out your hypocritical bullshit, and maybe you’ll help sort out your girlfriend’s jealousy issues.  Maybe.

And if you really think you need to have all these extra females in your life…maybe you should work on sorting out your ego issues.

2. Unless you’re Simba from The Lion King…stop saying “the past is the past:”

We keep getting told not to live in the past.  And then we get told to not worry about things that MAY happen in the future.  So that means we have about 5-8 seconds of the “present” relationship that we are allowed to think about.  That’s ridiculous.

A relationship is based on the foundation laid in the past, the present feelings, and hopes for the future.  Pretty much all of those things matter.

The past is not the past.

And the best prediction for future behavior, is past behavior.  So if you acted like a deceitful twat in the past, that’s going to carry over into your future.  So…looks like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Just accept that things that you did that keep coming up, will continue to come up, and  deal with it, or leave that jealous girlfriend who just “can’t let things go.”  And find a girl who wants to put up with you.

3.  Don’t ever end stories with the phrase “Don’t worry.  Nothing happened.” It will not go well: 

The very phrase itself makes no sense.  Of course SOMETHING happened. The only time you can say this is if you woke up… and remained in bed…all day.  Until your girlfriend came over.

And why are you being so defensive?   Had lunch with a co-worker that turned into a happy hour?  Yet nothing happened?  What does “nothing” even mean??

You could, of course, define it for us.  But, much easier to just call your girl jealous, and be done with it.

4.  Figure out how social media works, or get better at lying:

Seriously…it’s not even hard.

We can see pretty much everything you do on Instagram or Facebook, unless you specifically change your privacy settings. So if you haven’t changed anything since you created your account…your girl will be able to check up on anything her “crazy jealous” lady-brain may make her check on.

For example: let’s say you go on a bachelor’s weekend in Cancun.  And you tell her, “don’t worry…nothing happened.”

Here’s what she might do:

Step One: Check your “recently added” friends on Facebook and see if any recently added girls have profile picture that were recently taken on a tropical beach resort…similar to those found in Cancun
Step Two: Check out those girls and any female friends they may have “tagged” in recent photos
Step Three: Cross-check those girls on the “recently added” with your “followers” on Instagram
Step Four: Check if you’re “following” any of those girls 
Step Five: Check your “liked” photos on Insta (yes we can do that) 
Step Six: Ask you questions about any girls that fall into any or all of those steps

Sound intense to you?  No way.

All of those steps would take us, maybe a total of 47 seconds.  Maybe.  Depends on internet speed.

Now some people may be saying…hey…checking into your boyfriend that much shows you don’t trust him.  And to those people I say: you’re absolutely right.  And I don’t care. Trust is built.  And in 2016…this is how we build it.

5.  Admit that your friends might actually be the ones that suck: 

Because let’s face it…your 30 year old single guy friends who troll on Tinder and take geography quizzes online for fun, may not be the best “go-to” people for relationship advice.  And often times, they will only hear about your girlfriend when you’re complaining about her.  So why would they ever tell you that you’re in the wrong?

The only time you should ever consider taking relationship advice from a friend is if they are currently in a relationship that you would WANT to be in, or have had a healthy relationship in the past.

Otherwise…misery loves company.  And they sure liked it when you were single.

6. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  It’s in the Bible:

Self explanatory.  It would solve a lot of jealousy issues right off the bat.

7.  Watch the “If I Were a Boy” video and learn.  Learn from Beyonce.   

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Disclaimer:  I’m a girl…this is written from a girl’s perspective.  All of this completely applies to girlfriends calling their boyfriend’s “jealous” as well.  So relax, gentlemen, we do it too

 

Why Your Relationships Fail, and Why You Shouldn’t Take it Personally

This post is not about the romantic relationships that matter.  Those few great romantic relationships we get in a lifetime (yes…you will get more than one, I promise).  Those relationships deserve to be cherished when they’re around, and missed when they’re gone.

This post is about “filler” relationships.  The relationships that have the emotional equivalence of bubble wrap.  We have many of those in our lives, and many of us spend far too much time worrying about them.  

This post is about the relationships that shouldn’t matter:  

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I can’t count the number of times one of my girlfriends has come up to me, crying and upset, because some douche-bro went MH370 on her and vanished without a trace.

This happens to all of us at some point. Someone we like, or thought we could like, decides to cut ties with our existence.

Poof. They’re gone.

Sometimes we get a conversation.  Sometimes we get a text message or email.  But most of the times, the person simply, just one day…is gone. Just gone.  Like magic.

When someone we like disappears, it sucks.  It’s hard to understand “why.”   (In fact, a friend of a friend has a great coping mechanism for times when this happens: he just pretends that that person died)

This stuff happens to all of us.   And when it does, we ALL have questions.

We want to know why they decided to stop calling.  In fact, we NEED to know…so we start to evaluate the entire relationship.  We scour over each detail and conversation and text message, and we just can’t figure out why they stopped calling or stopped wanting to hang out.

We do this after every failed relationship…ask ourselves why, why, why.  And eventually most of us come to the only possible conclusion: there has to be something wrong with us.

There HAS to be something wrong with us, right?

Are we are too clingy, too distant, too blunt, too secretive? Too skinny, too fat?  Am I not funny, too funny, funny but not in the right way? Too insecure? Too secure?  Too stand off-ish.  Maybe we didn’t laugh at his Batman impersonation when he did it for the millionth time?

I mean, there has to be something wrong with us…that’s the only way to explain how this just keeps happening to us over and over and over again.  We think there has to be something wrong with us because ALL of our relationships in the past month/year/decade have failed…

Well there’s not.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  If you want to know why relationship after relationship has gone no-where…I can go ahead and tell you the reason:

Most of your relationships will fail because that’s just how dating works.  

Very few romantic relationships will ever go past a certain level.  Those are the ones that matter.  It’s dumb luck and timing. It has nothing to do with you.

You date until you find someone who you can get to “that” level with.

 So if you date a lot…it may seem that people are always walking away from you.  It’s not you…they just know it won’t get to “that” level with you.  If you’re tired of being rejected, take a break from dating.   It gets exhausting. Three dates in a month?  None of them worked out? Sounds completely normal… but it still sucks. Take a knee for a moment.  Get back out there when you’re ready.

 If you don’t date a lot, and you go out on one date…unless you are very very lucky,  it won’t work out.  Do not make that one date a personal statement about your value.  And stop saying stupid dramatic things like, “this is why I never put myself out there.”  Just shut up about it.  You DID put yourself out there, and you got hurt. Take a knee for a moment.  And get back out there.

Side note: If you know anyone who always seems to “luck out” and find a boyfriend or girlfriend, please just know they’re probably majorly settling.

You may now be saying, “Hey…you don’t get it…they said such nice things to me.  They really seemed to like me.  Why would they lie?  Why would they lead me on?”

Why did they say nice things about you?  Probably because they meant them. I hate to bust your personal tragedy bubble by telling you this, but they really probably meant those things.

And if someone tells you you’re funny and amazing to be around, and then they stop hanging out with you…it doesn’t mean you’re NOT funny or amazing. It means they’re super weird.  Or it means they just didn’t see things going to the next level.  Or it means they got busy with life and realized they want to focus on other things… A relationship not being one of them.

So please…

Accept this fact: 99% of your relationships will not work out.  They will fail.  Because…math.

No one can ever have more than one successful romantic relationship in a life time. So even if someone has been married for ten years, the second they get divorced, 100% of their romantic relationships didn’t work out.

 As single people…we’re all in the same boat.

In the interest of full disclosure, 100% of my romantic relationships have never worked out.  And I’m awesome.  It has NOTHING to do with me.  And it has nothing to do with you.

It’s luck. Dumb luck.

So if you’re still not convinced, and you still think that YOU are the reason things don’t work out. Let’s think about this logically:

 Let’s imagine there’s something “wrong” with you. Maybe you think you’re not pretty or attractive enough, and that’s why nothing has worked out.  Ok.

So what you’re saying is that the only people who have successful relationships are attractive.  Fine.

Now think of all the people you know who are currently in relationships.  Think about them.  Are ALL of those people pretty and attractive?  NO FUCKING WAY.

That’s because finding a lasting romantic relationship has nothing to do with what you look like. It’s luck.

So maybe people don’t want to date you because you’re boring and insecure?

Think of all the people you know who are currently in relationships.  Are all of those people interesting and confident?  NO.

In fact, I think we all know some awful people who have managed to find someone to put up with them.  Being in a romantic relationship is not validation that you’re a good person.  It’s just…not.

Because being in a successful romantic relationship has nothing to do with you or what you’re like.  It’s luck and timing.

Real Talk: Why do you want to even be in a romantic relationship?  Why is this a goal? 

I always ask my friends this.

 I mean…how much more fun do single people really think committed people are having ?  Relationships are hard fucking work…that’s why most of them fail.  If you think being in a relationship means you won’t feel lonely at times…  Im sorry…but you will.  In a relationship, you’re also going to feel let down at times.  And bored as hell at times.

Single or not, life is hard for all of us. So stop making it harder on yourself by thinking you’re the one with an issue.

And for all of those people who don’t call you back, or who vanish into thin air…here’s how you deal with them.  Get out your phone and scroll to their number.  Delete it.

Poof…they’re gone.

Looks like they’re not the only one who can make shit disappear.

How to Talk To Women: A One Step Guide

A very near and dear friend was talking to me about my blog posts a few months ago.  He was wondering if I could write a post for guys.  A post where I give advice on how to talk to women.

So I’ve been giving it A LOT of thought.

I’ve gone through my interactions with guys at parties for the last few years.  I thought about what “worked” and what “didn’t work.”  What a guy should say and what not to say.  I even talked about it with some of my girlfriends over wine.  And, guys,  i’m happy to report back that I’ve narrowed it down to one…easy…step.  That’s it! So, listen up, boys…here it is:

How to talk to a woman:

1. Go up to her, introduce yourself.   And then talk to her like you would talk to any other human.

That’s it.  There’s really no trick.  No “lines” needed.  No aces up your sleeves.  Just walk up to her, introduce yourself, and say whatever it is you would say to any new person.  Pretend like she’s just a normal standard human that you’re trying to get to know…because that’s what we are.  We’re just like you.

And if you don’t know where to start…just start with your name.  It’s simple.

If she walks up to your group while you’re in the middle of a conversation…you can continue that conversation.  No need to switch to a topic you “think” she would be interested in.  If she’s bored, she will walk away, and this opens you up to going up to her later and saying, “hey…didn’t catch your name back there…where are you from?”

You can talk to her about pretty much anything at all.  Sports, work, life in the city you live in…be creative.  If you’re having trouble thinking of topics, just think about what you say to dudes the first few times you meet them.  It works the same way.  We all just kind of like stuff. And she may like the same stuff that you do.  Find out!

However… just like any other human you meet, she may choose that she doesn’t really want to speak to you for too long.  A woman, like anyone else, may have her own friends that she came to hang out with, or may just want to enjoy the party and socialize.  It happens.

It has nothing to do with you…

Or what you look like or what you’re wearing.  And as long as you are just talking to her like any other human, I promise you, it has nothing to do with what you said.  So just walk away, and hang out with people who love you for a while.  Shake it off.

Now look, I know you were hoping for something a little more “exotic.”  A guaranteed way to strike up a conversation.  But that doesn’t really exist for any human on human interaction you can think of.

Think about it:  at a party…how many times has a relative stranger been able to keep your undivided attention for more than ten minutes?  Those types of situations where you really “hit it off” with someone just don’t happen all that often, which is why we cherish them when they do.  Don’t take it personally.

And remember…women have to deal with a lot of douche-bros throwing attention our ways.  So if you get overlooked every now and then…please give us a little bit of a break and just back away nicely.  And please please please, don’t ever say: I’m not like most guys.  Just don’t.  Because every guy says that.   It’s annoying.

So that’s it…that’s how you talk to a woman.  Talk to her like any one else.  We are no different.  And trust me, as a woman, I realize how hard or intimidating it is to speak to us.  I get shot down regularly when I’m actually genuinely just trying to be friends with them.  I feel your pain, but I’m telling you…the gimmicks, the lines, they simply don’t work on women.

So that’s women…we like it when you treat us normally.  Because we are just normal people. Mostly.

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That being said…not every female out there considers herself a woman who just wants to be spoken to like everyone else.  Some of us like to be treated differently, treated like princesses,  treated like girls. Talking to a girl is a completely different ball game, and generally, they’re much more fun to talk to at parties.

This guide is a little more detailed, but go ahead and give it a look.  (Warning: these will not work on women…we will just walk away)

A step by step guide to talking to girls: 

1.  Start off by “negging” her

Example: You see a girl with a hot body and you say, “Wow…you need to workout” 

This is probably the most effective way to get a girl interested as it makes her feel like shit about herself for a second, but then she realizes it’s a compliment, so she feels DOUBLY good about what you said.

2. If the negging works, compliment her, but only in the 3rd person

Example: A girl makes a funny joke, and you look to the person next to you and go, “Aww…she’s so funny, isn’t she?”

You don’t want her to get bored too quickly…so very slowly, slowly show her you approve of her existence and personality.  Baby steps.

3.  Ignore her when another female walks up…but only for a few minutes

 (You can also combine this with some slight negging.  You can say something like, “finally…someone interesting to talk to.”  Follow this with a wink in her direction so she knows you’re not serious.  She’ll go crazy!)

4.  Interrupt the flow of a normal conversation to give her an out of place compliment about her appearance…then continue said conversation  

(The trick is to make it seem like you’re so overwhelmed by her beauty that you couldn’t control what came out of your mouth)

5.  Just be very very attractive and stand there and let her come up with things to say (Ok…this one may work on women sometimes…we are only human after all) 

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Now…none of this is an attack on “girls.”  Or on guys who like talking to them.

I used to really enjoy being talked to like a girl…it kept me on my toes, I never really knew what to expect,  banter goes back and forth…just like a game.  And then I realized I really hate games.  If you never know what to expect from someone, you can probably just stop expecting much at all.

And I just don’t have time for that anymore.

xx

Five Signs You Need a “You” Makeover

I was told recently that people love, love, love lists.

Now, since i’m here trying  to write about issues that will bring women together and since i’m trying to discuss topics that will hopefully allow all of us to have better relationships with one another I figure it’s a good time to personally address how to better the relationship we have with ourselves.  And I will do so…with a list of my very own.

As a result, I sat down and thought of five everyday things I had to call myself on to really get to the core of any discontent I had in my life.  And when I examined each of these things, I realized that I had a “me” problem…and those things needed to change.

Some of the phrasing in this list may sound harsh, and that’s okay…we have to be harsh in order to call ourselves out on our own bullshit.   And all of the stuff Im saying in this list, is stuff I have actually said to myself…while staring into a mirror…shaking my head in disappointment.  So…happy reading, ladies and gents.

FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED A “YOU” MAKEOVER:

 

1. You’ve un-subscribed or un-added someone on Facebook, yet still look up their profile about once a week to see what they’re doing.

Let me describe a situation for you: you’re on Facebook, or Instagram, sorting through cat memes, weekend photos, and your friends’ random musings about life.  You’re scrolling through your feed, and then you stumble on it.  “She” has posted something.  It doesn’t matter Who “she” is or what she did or did not do to you.  What matters is that whoever this person is…seeing her photos and posts, simply just irritates you. Or stirs up negative feelings deep in our lady brains.

Long story short, this person’s existence on your social media makes you feel badly about yourself (whether they deserve it or not).  So, you do what any rational person our age does: to remove the negativity they bring into your life from your life (whether its her fault or not), you “unsubscribe” from them OR un-add them if you’re ready to start some  real drama.  (I personally go for the un-add, much to the horror of my friends…bye felicia).

This feels great for a while.  For a few hours, days, or even weeks, we feel 20 pounds lighter.  The clouds have parted, birds are singing, this person is for all intents and purposes…dead to you. Go…you.

Then it happens…the itch.  You find yourself typing their name in your “search” bar, and looking at the preview of their profile that pops up below.  You do this a few times, maybe hold out for a day, and then BOOM, before you know it, you’re all over their page scouring it with so much intensity and diligence that it would make any crime scene investigator proud.

Now…I know what you’re hoping to see.  You’re hoping to type in their name and that you’re going to come upon something like this:

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This never happens

But what you really find is something along the lines of this:

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And you KNOW they’re going to get close to 350 “likes” on that picture of cheesecake

So, there you go…you wanted to see if she had fallen into a social black hole, and was left feeling miserable and destitute ever since you shunned her from your Facebook world…instead you see that nothing’s really changed: she still has friends who love her, she still eats desserts, and life seems to be pretty good.  But I get it, I get it…you wanted to see who she was with, how she was feeling, what she was eating.  You just wanted to see what she was doing. Sure, I get it..  But…here’s  a better question for you:

What are YOU doing.

I mean, really…You went to the trouble to cut this person out of your life because, for whatever reason, you’re not happy when you know what they’re up to.  And then…you go out of your way to see what they’re up to…  Why?  Why do this to yourself? Here’s why you need to STOP doing this…

It’s emotional cutting.  It’s going out of your way to find people who cause you to feel like shit.   Going out of your way to find someone else who makes you feel inadequate.  So why do we do this? Probably so that we don’t have to focus on what is actually making us feel inadequate…in most cases… it’s ourselves. We do this with ex-friends,  ex-boyfriends, our ex-boyfriends new girlfriends (because that’s healthy) and the result is the same. You look them up. They’re doing just fine.  You feel like shit.  Cycle repeats.

End…the…cycle.

 

2. You look around at all your friends and realize…you don’t even really like any of them anymore

People say you tend to “out grow” your friends. But that makes no sense…they’re not sweaters, they’re humans.  You don’t out grow people.  You “out grow” behaviors.  And our habits and behaviors are, for better or worse, directly tied to our morals and values as people.

So when your behaviors change…you yourself change.  You’re going to be making yourself either a better or worse version of yourself and if you concentrate on developing behaviors that allow you to develop deep meaningful relationships with others and with yourself…you’re most likely becoming a more awesome person. Yay.

Now here’s the thing, you are the average of the five people you hang out with the most.  If you and all your friends are doing the same things when you meet, you guys maintain each other’s average.  Now, let’s say you decide to quit boozing five days a week.  As a result, you are able to focus more on work, make a few less mistakes in the evenings, and spend more time reflecting on becoming a “better” version of yourself than you once were.

jupiter

People who live on Jupiter have no actual foundation, are constantly changing, yet ironically have the most amount of “moons” around them…Don’t be one of their moons

Whether you like it or not, you’re now bringing your friends’s average up, and they are bringing yours down.  They will either see this as a call to action, and start finding ways to step up to the challenge of bettering themselves, or they will more likely make a few comments along the lines of “you’ve changed” or the wonderfully passive aggressive “so you think you’re better than me?”

And no…you are not “better” than any of your friends, that’s a silly way to think.  You have however moved on to a different “emotional planet.”  Some planets are closer to the sun light, some are steeped in darkness.  Some are built around a solid foundation while others have seemingly no grounding force to be found.  We are all on planets that allow us to play out our behaviors. So the thing is…  once you find yourself on a different emotional planet than your friends, the air and environment surrounding them will be toxic for you…and you need to move on.  Some may follow you, most won’t…that’s not your issue.

Keep your average high.

 

3. When someone tells you about something great they did, you feel and stay jealous

It’s natural to feel jealous when someone you know does something that gets them a lot of attention.  I’d say most people’s reactions run along those lines.  It’s when you get stuck in that “jelly” that it then becomes a problem.

When you feel the initial rush of envy: Own it.  Recognize it… Question yourself.  Then better yourself.

And while you’re figuring out the “bettering yourself” part… post a congratulatory Facebook status and tag them in it.  And use the emoticon that looks like the clapping hands. That’s what it’s there for.

Also…don’t insert yourself into people’s achievements.  If someone is telling you about how they finally got a promotion at work, don’t bring up the time that you got a promotion.  Let them have their moment.

 

4. You expect others to be better people than you are

 Do you ever lie?  Ever cheat? Ever not tell people how you really feel?  Odds are you do.

Well…Do you get mad when people lie to you?  Feel indignant when someone you love starts finding love somewhere else?  Do you hate trying to decipher the morse code of other people’s emotions? Odds are, you do.

Well. That’s a big ol’ Southern helping of hipocrasy, and I’m pretty sure you know it.

Here’s the thing:

You DESERVE to be treated how you treat others, simple as that.  If you lie and cheat, you deserve to be lied to and cheated on.   Does that mean other people SHOULD hurt you, if you do “bad” things?  No.  But people will always hurt other people.  But  if you are the one hurting people, and someone else hurts or lies to you,  at the end of the day, you know you can’t  look yourself in the mirror and say: I really didn’t deserve that.  Because you did. You so did.

Does that mean other people will always treat you well if you’re a “good” person?  Fuck no.  But you’re the one who gets to sleep at night.

If you want the best out of others, you need to be the best version of yourself, simple as that.  If you lie and cheat and hurt people, no amount of enabling friends and coping mechanisms can really hide you from the fact that karma came around, and turns out she’s as big of a bitch as you were.

 

5. You’re holding onto an apology that someone out there in the world, really deserves

And I know why you’re doing it too.  If you apologize to someone, it forces you to own up to the fact that you messed up, that you hurt someone, that you did something wrong.  And if there’s one lie we like to tell ourselves, it’s this: other people do the hurting.

We tell ourselves that WE are the ones who get hurt.   We’re the good guys, the resilient ones who overcome hurt that other people do to us.  Not the other way around.  It’s a cute story to tell ourselves so we can sleep at night, but it’s not reality.

Has anyone ever apologized to you about the part they played in hurting you?  How’d it make you feel… Pretty damn good?  A little bit more human?  A little less likely to be crying yourself to sleep that night?   Yeah, I bet.  It’s nothing short of a miracle when someone swallows their pride and says  to you: hey…I fucked up…you didn’t deserve that.

Think too much time has gone by and they’ve probably moved on?  No.  No, no.  There’s not enough time in the world that can erase the bad things people do to one another, even if they have moved on…they deserve that little boost of humanity that every apology gives us.

So what’s stopping you?  Don’t know what to say to them? Cut, copy and paste what I just wrote two paragraphs ago into a text message and click “send.” Use that line as many times as you want…I know I sure have.

I mean, if Taylor Swift can write out “Back to December” for Tyler Lautner and perform it at the Grammy’s, you can write out that one sentence and send it to the one person who deserves to hear it.

And yes…I saved the Taylor Swift reference til the very end because I knew many of you would stop reading at that.  I’m smart like that.  And I love that girl.

original

If Taylor did it, we can all do it

The One Question You Need to Stop Asking Single Women


“Seriously…Where do you find these guys?”

Ok, ladies…now I’m sure some of us have heard this question.  Usually it’s after we’ve shared a  Wes-Craven-like dating horror story with a group of friends (usually not single friends).  I’m 30 years old, and this question never really seems to go away, and I’m sick of it. I mean…does  a more frustrating/pointless question even exist? 

Let’s do like Uncle Joey, and “Cut… It… Out” (Sorry…I may be a more than a little excited for the Full House reunion)

Now, I KNOW it’s well intentioned, and usually just said as a passing comment to seemingly validate a person who is hurting, but before I get to why the question actually makes people feel like crap,  I’m going to go ahead, and very briefly answer it.  

So…in case anyone’s wondering where their single friends go out and meet ALL “those guys”…those emotionally inept, socially awkward, chronically dishonest, relationship atheists, I’m gonna answer your question so that you NEVER EVER have to ask it again.  Are you ready? Want to know where  we meet them?

Earth.  

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Earth: Where 100% of all creepy guys are met

We met them on Earth.  On the street, in the grocery store, at the gym, at work, in a bar, in class, at a coffee shop, at a friend’s party, online, in an airport. At Pottery Barn, in a book store, at a conference, in a movie theater.  On a plane, on a train, in a bus, at the car wash, at a concert, in line at a festival, at a gun range, at a casino, on a beach…Trust me…they’re just…out there, and it’s not our fault that we happened to meet them. 

They walk amongst us freely, and they don’t wear signs. Not a single one of them.  Their IDs and passports look just like ours, they wear the same clothes we do, they smell the same, look the same, walk upright, just the same as us.

When you prick them, they bleed. They have jobs, have friends, have families (sometimes of their own)… trust me…they’re out there.    

So, let me ask YOU a question…Where do YOU think we meet them?

Like…do you think we see a guy in Aisle 7 of the grocery store sobbing over a box of his ex girlfriend’s favorite flavor of Pop Tarts and think to ourselves… “hey, he looks like a keeper? He looks like he has it together.  Let me emotionally invest in him, cause he seems swell.” 

Ok. Rant over.  I think you get the point.  Now, let me explain why I hate this question other than the fact that I only hear it when I’m usually in an emotionally raw state:

Regardless of your own relationship status, whether you’re single or married or a sponge,  by asking your friends “where they met the guy,” you make them partially to blame for someone ELSE’S bad behavior.  It’s not fair.  I mean, you’ve just listened to a whole story your friend has told you. A story about something that someone else did to them.  By asking the question, you’re switching the focus from another person’s actions to your friend’s actions.  

Instead of saying, “I can’t believe HE did that,” you switch the narrative (and pronouns) and make your friend the antagonist in her own story.  It’s all about where SHE met the guy. She becomes the final subject in the story.  So… Stop it!

Additionally, if you’re in a relationship or married and you ask that question, you sound like a smarmy know-it-all and that’s never good.  You also have an icky yucky dirty dating past.  You too were once one of us.  Show some solidarity.

Let’s look at dudes… When a guy tells one of his dating stories (because yes ladies, we too can be the stuff of waking nightmares) more often than not, the only comment they have to deal with is, “Man, she’s crazyyyy,” then everyone drinks their beer, nods along in agreement, and moves on.  Case closed.  SHE’S crazy.  YOU’RE fine, man. ( Not that I agree at all with girl’s being called crazy…in fact this article should be gospel, but I’m just trying to make a point.)

So now…I know, I know that this seems like making a mountain out of a mole hill to some, and that’s fine.  I’m just asking everyone, guys and girls, to be better advocates for their single friends, because remember…where you met your guy is where all of us have met “these guys:”

  1. The guy who drove me to the treehouse he lived in (no I didn’t know he lived in a tree house) and showed me the Crayon drawings the ocean inspired him to make and then violently lost his shit when I asked him to take me home
  2. The  guy who took me out to eat, and as soon as I sat down,  smiled and said: I really like big
    An impulse buy inspired by all the

    An impulse buy inspired by all the “lone wolves” I’ve met. Howl on, brothers

    breasted women

  3. The guy(s)  who refer to themselves as lone wolves…that’s right…love them only if you dare
  4. The guy who said “that’s not me” when pictures of him and another girl popped up on facebook.  Yes, he was tagged in them and yes he was wearing clothes I had bought him (Hindsight: I may have deserved that one)
  5. The guy who had a nosebleed all over my cushions and just flipped them around when I wasnt looking

So the next time you find yourself about to ask “the question,” take a moment and remember…They walk amongst us.