Why Your Relationships Fail, and Why You Shouldn’t Take it Personally

This post is not about the romantic relationships that matter.  Those few great romantic relationships we get in a lifetime (yes…you will get more than one, I promise).  Those relationships deserve to be cherished when they’re around, and missed when they’re gone.

This post is about “filler” relationships.  The relationships that have the emotional equivalence of bubble wrap.  We have many of those in our lives, and many of us spend far too much time worrying about them.  

This post is about the relationships that shouldn’t matter:  

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I can’t count the number of times one of my girlfriends has come up to me, crying and upset, because some douche-bro went MH370 on her and vanished without a trace.

This happens to all of us at some point. Someone we like, or thought we could like, decides to cut ties with our existence.

Poof. They’re gone.

Sometimes we get a conversation.  Sometimes we get a text message or email.  But most of the times, the person simply, just one day…is gone. Just gone.  Like magic.

When someone we like disappears, it sucks.  It’s hard to understand “why.”   (In fact, a friend of a friend has a great coping mechanism for times when this happens: he just pretends that that person died)

This stuff happens to all of us.   And when it does, we ALL have questions.

We want to know why they decided to stop calling.  In fact, we NEED to know…so we start to evaluate the entire relationship.  We scour over each detail and conversation and text message, and we just can’t figure out why they stopped calling or stopped wanting to hang out.

We do this after every failed relationship…ask ourselves why, why, why.  And eventually most of us come to the only possible conclusion: there has to be something wrong with us.

There HAS to be something wrong with us, right?

Are we are too clingy, too distant, too blunt, too secretive? Too skinny, too fat?  Am I not funny, too funny, funny but not in the right way? Too insecure? Too secure?  Too stand off-ish.  Maybe we didn’t laugh at his Batman impersonation when he did it for the millionth time?

I mean, there has to be something wrong with us…that’s the only way to explain how this just keeps happening to us over and over and over again.  We think there has to be something wrong with us because ALL of our relationships in the past month/year/decade have failed…

Well there’s not.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  If you want to know why relationship after relationship has gone no-where…I can go ahead and tell you the reason:

Most of your relationships will fail because that’s just how dating works.  

Very few romantic relationships will ever go past a certain level.  Those are the ones that matter.  It’s dumb luck and timing. It has nothing to do with you.

You date until you find someone who you can get to “that” level with.

 So if you date a lot…it may seem that people are always walking away from you.  It’s not you…they just know it won’t get to “that” level with you.  If you’re tired of being rejected, take a break from dating.   It gets exhausting. Three dates in a month?  None of them worked out? Sounds completely normal… but it still sucks. Take a knee for a moment.  Get back out there when you’re ready.

 If you don’t date a lot, and you go out on one date…unless you are very very lucky,  it won’t work out.  Do not make that one date a personal statement about your value.  And stop saying stupid dramatic things like, “this is why I never put myself out there.”  Just shut up about it.  You DID put yourself out there, and you got hurt. Take a knee for a moment.  And get back out there.

Side note: If you know anyone who always seems to “luck out” and find a boyfriend or girlfriend, please just know they’re probably majorly settling.

You may now be saying, “Hey…you don’t get it…they said such nice things to me.  They really seemed to like me.  Why would they lie?  Why would they lead me on?”

Why did they say nice things about you?  Probably because they meant them. I hate to bust your personal tragedy bubble by telling you this, but they really probably meant those things.

And if someone tells you you’re funny and amazing to be around, and then they stop hanging out with you…it doesn’t mean you’re NOT funny or amazing. It means they’re super weird.  Or it means they just didn’t see things going to the next level.  Or it means they got busy with life and realized they want to focus on other things… A relationship not being one of them.

So please…

Accept this fact: 99% of your relationships will not work out.  They will fail.  Because…math.

No one can ever have more than one successful romantic relationship in a life time. So even if someone has been married for ten years, the second they get divorced, 100% of their romantic relationships didn’t work out.

 As single people…we’re all in the same boat.

In the interest of full disclosure, 100% of my romantic relationships have never worked out.  And I’m awesome.  It has NOTHING to do with me.  And it has nothing to do with you.

It’s luck. Dumb luck.

So if you’re still not convinced, and you still think that YOU are the reason things don’t work out. Let’s think about this logically:

 Let’s imagine there’s something “wrong” with you. Maybe you think you’re not pretty or attractive enough, and that’s why nothing has worked out.  Ok.

So what you’re saying is that the only people who have successful relationships are attractive.  Fine.

Now think of all the people you know who are currently in relationships.  Think about them.  Are ALL of those people pretty and attractive?  NO FUCKING WAY.

That’s because finding a lasting romantic relationship has nothing to do with what you look like. It’s luck.

So maybe people don’t want to date you because you’re boring and insecure?

Think of all the people you know who are currently in relationships.  Are all of those people interesting and confident?  NO.

In fact, I think we all know some awful people who have managed to find someone to put up with them.  Being in a romantic relationship is not validation that you’re a good person.  It’s just…not.

Because being in a successful romantic relationship has nothing to do with you or what you’re like.  It’s luck and timing.

Real Talk: Why do you want to even be in a romantic relationship?  Why is this a goal? 

I always ask my friends this.

 I mean…how much more fun do single people really think committed people are having ?  Relationships are hard fucking work…that’s why most of them fail.  If you think being in a relationship means you won’t feel lonely at times…  Im sorry…but you will.  In a relationship, you’re also going to feel let down at times.  And bored as hell at times.

Single or not, life is hard for all of us. So stop making it harder on yourself by thinking you’re the one with an issue.

And for all of those people who don’t call you back, or who vanish into thin air…here’s how you deal with them.  Get out your phone and scroll to their number.  Delete it.

Poof…they’re gone.

Looks like they’re not the only one who can make shit disappear.

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How to Talk To Women: A One Step Guide

A very near and dear friend was talking to me about my blog posts a few months ago.  He was wondering if I could write a post for guys.  A post where I give advice on how to talk to women.

So I’ve been giving it A LOT of thought.

I’ve gone through my interactions with guys at parties for the last few years.  I thought about what “worked” and what “didn’t work.”  What a guy should say and what not to say.  I even talked about it with some of my girlfriends over wine.  And, guys,  i’m happy to report back that I’ve narrowed it down to one…easy…step.  That’s it! So, listen up, boys…here it is:

How to talk to a woman:

1. Go up to her, introduce yourself.   And then talk to her like you would talk to any other human.

That’s it.  There’s really no trick.  No “lines” needed.  No aces up your sleeves.  Just walk up to her, introduce yourself, and say whatever it is you would say to any new person.  Pretend like she’s just a normal standard human that you’re trying to get to know…because that’s what we are.  We’re just like you.

And if you don’t know where to start…just start with your name.  It’s simple.

If she walks up to your group while you’re in the middle of a conversation…you can continue that conversation.  No need to switch to a topic you “think” she would be interested in.  If she’s bored, she will walk away, and this opens you up to going up to her later and saying, “hey…didn’t catch your name back there…where are you from?”

You can talk to her about pretty much anything at all.  Sports, work, life in the city you live in…be creative.  If you’re having trouble thinking of topics, just think about what you say to dudes the first few times you meet them.  It works the same way.  We all just kind of like stuff. And she may like the same stuff that you do.  Find out!

However… just like any other human you meet, she may choose that she doesn’t really want to speak to you for too long.  A woman, like anyone else, may have her own friends that she came to hang out with, or may just want to enjoy the party and socialize.  It happens.

It has nothing to do with you…

Or what you look like or what you’re wearing.  And as long as you are just talking to her like any other human, I promise you, it has nothing to do with what you said.  So just walk away, and hang out with people who love you for a while.  Shake it off.

Now look, I know you were hoping for something a little more “exotic.”  A guaranteed way to strike up a conversation.  But that doesn’t really exist for any human on human interaction you can think of.

Think about it:  at a party…how many times has a relative stranger been able to keep your undivided attention for more than ten minutes?  Those types of situations where you really “hit it off” with someone just don’t happen all that often, which is why we cherish them when they do.  Don’t take it personally.

And remember…women have to deal with a lot of douche-bros throwing attention our ways.  So if you get overlooked every now and then…please give us a little bit of a break and just back away nicely.  And please please please, don’t ever say: I’m not like most guys.  Just don’t.  Because every guy says that.   It’s annoying.

So that’s it…that’s how you talk to a woman.  Talk to her like any one else.  We are no different.  And trust me, as a woman, I realize how hard or intimidating it is to speak to us.  I get shot down regularly when I’m actually genuinely just trying to be friends with them.  I feel your pain, but I’m telling you…the gimmicks, the lines, they simply don’t work on women.

So that’s women…we like it when you treat us normally.  Because we are just normal people. Mostly.

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That being said…not every female out there considers herself a woman who just wants to be spoken to like everyone else.  Some of us like to be treated differently, treated like princesses,  treated like girls. Talking to a girl is a completely different ball game, and generally, they’re much more fun to talk to at parties.

This guide is a little more detailed, but go ahead and give it a look.  (Warning: these will not work on women…we will just walk away)

A step by step guide to talking to girls: 

1.  Start off by “negging” her

Example: You see a girl with a hot body and you say, “Wow…you need to workout” 

This is probably the most effective way to get a girl interested as it makes her feel like shit about herself for a second, but then she realizes it’s a compliment, so she feels DOUBLY good about what you said.

2. If the negging works, compliment her, but only in the 3rd person

Example: A girl makes a funny joke, and you look to the person next to you and go, “Aww…she’s so funny, isn’t she?”

You don’t want her to get bored too quickly…so very slowly, slowly show her you approve of her existence and personality.  Baby steps.

3.  Ignore her when another female walks up…but only for a few minutes

 (You can also combine this with some slight negging.  You can say something like, “finally…someone interesting to talk to.”  Follow this with a wink in her direction so she knows you’re not serious.  She’ll go crazy!)

4.  Interrupt the flow of a normal conversation to give her an out of place compliment about her appearance…then continue said conversation  

(The trick is to make it seem like you’re so overwhelmed by her beauty that you couldn’t control what came out of your mouth)

5.  Just be very very attractive and stand there and let her come up with things to say (Ok…this one may work on women sometimes…we are only human after all) 

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Now…none of this is an attack on “girls.”  Or on guys who like talking to them.

I used to really enjoy being talked to like a girl…it kept me on my toes, I never really knew what to expect,  banter goes back and forth…just like a game.  And then I realized I really hate games.  If you never know what to expect from someone, you can probably just stop expecting much at all.

And I just don’t have time for that anymore.

xx